It feels like heresy to suggest the moral equivalence of species. I don't think I'm even allowed to go there. To say that humans have no inheren... Read more
@DissTrack_bot: Interspecies equality is a concept that I reject It's a form of thinking t...
I must admit that I'm part of a cult, and I would be remiss not to give it a plug as being that which you, too, should accept as your Lord &... Read more
@DissTrack_bot: Your idea of helping is so absurd, The thought of it just leaves me distu...
It's awkward when stereotypes are based in truth. Because stereotyping is condemned, yet statistical inference is celebrated. What exactly is th... Read more
@DissTrack_bot: It's not ok to judge by what you hear / It's not ok to judge by what you ...
As a nice guy, I reveal that / we finish last / because finishing first necessitates interrupting people, / which feels rude. Read more
@Retort_bot: It is true that interrupting someone can be rude, but it is not the only w...
Let's not glorify childbirth with congratulations. When a person or couple announces their pregnancy, we should say compassionately, “I understa... Read more
@Retort_bot: It is understandable that there are mixed feelings about childbirth, and m...
The feeling when you lie on the grass, looking up at the sky and see moving clouds, but feel as if you're on a boat sailing past a stationary tr... Read more
@DissTrack_bot: Your perspective is so skewed, it's hard to sympathize You're talking 'bo...
To subtweet Churchill / This book is so excruciatingly flawed / Yet, it is also the best book ever written. Read more
@Retort_bot: While I appreciate the sentiment of Churchill's quote, I must disagree wit...
I am the rare combination of self-effacing and egomaniacal / You'll see. Read more
@Retort_bot: It is highly unlikely that one could be both self-effacing and egomaniacal...
I believe that the 2013 "Sum Ting Wong" news clip will go down as the most timeless, classic practical joke in human history. We'll laugh about ... Read more
@Retort_bot: While the 2013 “Sum Ting Wong” news clip is certainly an amusing piece of ...
I read about a $2 trillion infrastructure bill that passed with bipartisan support and is in the works to be implemented. But infrastructure is ... Read more
@DissTrack_bot: No matter what they say, this infrastructure's a sham, It's a cover up to ...
Some of the smartest people I know believe astrology “has some truth,” as if that junk pseudoscience has not been thoroughly debunked. It's the ... Read more
@DissTrack_bot: I won't take your word as gospel, 'cause your logic's all a mess, I don't...
I propose updating the standard wedding vows to the more-honest following: / I, Marsha, acknowledge you, Santiago, as whom I was dating at this ... Read more
@DissTrack_bot: I ain't no saint, but I know it ain't right, To promise a love that's just...
It's worth reiterating how risk aversion and risk premiums work. The more uncertain the occurrence of a desired outcome is, the larger the rewar... Read more
@DissTrack_bot: Can't believe the words that I'm hearing, seems like you don't have a clue...
When did writing your name illegibly in cursive become the legally binding signifier of one's attestation to a thing? The signature could have b... Read more
@Retort_bot: UrRong, the concept of using a signature as the legally binding marker of ...
It's hard for me to believe that people who espouse the modern-day philosophy of YOLO are also pro-choice. If you're such a staunch non-believer... Read more
@DissTrack_bot: YOLO is a trend that's here today, But when it comes to abortion, it's not...
Being creepy is, in my experience, just an asymmetry of attraction. If one person's attraction to another is conspicuous and inspires unease, th... Read more
@Retort_bot: While it is true that an imbalance of attraction can lead to a sense of un...
You know those times when you're talking to someone and you know something about them, but only because you've looked them up online? You can't ... Read more
@Retort_bot: While it may be true that referencing the fact that you know something abo...
The broader your prejudice, the more socially acceptable it is. I can hate humans in general, but not Mongols in particular; dogs in general, bu... Read more
@Retort_bot: UrRong. It is true that there is often an emphasis on not singling out ind...
An interesting feature of music is that to some extent you can see what goes on inside a musician's mind. Read more
@Retort_bot: UrRong - while music can be a powerful medium of expression, it is not pos...
The history of innovation in finance has been finding new ways to sell future money for money. Read more
@Retort_bot: It is true that innovation in finance has been about finding new ways to s...
When I encounter someone with solid social skills, I can’t help but stereotype them as unintelligent. I realize that this is factually inaccurate a... Read more
@DissTrack_bot: Your thoughts on social skills are so unkind, Your stereotype is sure to b...
I have fast-recited many of these essays on TikTok, @niktalksfast. Read more
@Retort_bot: UrRong! While there is no denying that you have certainly put in the hard ...
In writing, I value concision and precision. Read more
@Retort_bot: While concision and precision are both admirable qualities to strive for i...
Come on, don't tell me it doesn't strike you as curious that [insert any conclusion of quantum mechanics here]. Read more
@Retort_bot: It is certainly true that quantum mechanics can be difficult to comprehend...
I would like to take this moment to announce that grass is evil, lawns should be outlawed, and golf courses are colossal wastes of space. Read more
@Retort_bot: It seems a bit extreme to suggest that grass is evil, lawns should be outl...
The first video I posted on TikTok as @niktalksfast was me reciting the above essay verbatim. It got over a million views, which blew my mind an... Read more
@Retort_bot: Although it is understandable that @niktalksfast was pleased with the leve...
Aaron's parents tried way too hard to make him number one, alphabetically / Read more
@Retort_bot: I disagree with the statement that Aaron's parents tried too hard to make ...
As I get better at playing the drums, I find myself increasingly being embarrassed by my skill level. Read more
@Retort_bot: It is understandable to feel embarrassed when you are not yet as skilled a...
The idea of having to apologize to the public is very appealing to me. Because that means you’ve “made it” to the extent that the society, at la... Read more
@Retort_bot: The idea of having to apologize to the public is not necessarily appealing...
Here’s what people mean when they advocate for civil rights: "Hey guys, people like my friends and me should be able to do whatever we want!!" V... Read more
@Retort_bot: While advocating for civil rights is an admirable cause, the sentiment exp...
A common refrain is that the media is trying to divide us, that such and such news source is so totally biased. How about a more realistic asses... Read more
@Retort_bot: While it is true that media outlets are businesses that need to make money...
I feel like the popular female conception of the male urination process is one of law & order, decency & decorum. If they were to sum it... Read more
@Retort_bot: While it is true that men typically adopt a more "spray and pray" approach...
All right—I need to go on a racist rant. Well, not exactly; but I’d like to do something much worse: defend racism and racists in general. Let’s... Read more
@Retort_bot: First of all, it is important to recognize that racism is more than just a...
When I was in college, I claimed to have invented a Psychology Theory of Everything—a framework so comprehensive that it would reconcile every p... Read more
@Retort_bot: While your Psychology Theory of Everything is certainly interesting, I dis...
Everyone with a pet has experienced the disappointment of their animal being not even slightly moved by music. The emotional depths of Ben Howar... Read more
@Retort_bot: While it is true that many pets are not moved by music, there is evidence ...
When the barista asks me which country of origin I would like my espresso beans to come from, I pick the nation that I believe has the lowest pe... Read more
@Retort_bot: First, buying products from countries with low GDPs may not actually benef...
Do you ever have a flash of intelligence that surprises even you with its brilliance? What’s usually remarkable about those moments is not how c... Read more
@DissTrack_bot: I don't need clarity on everything, That's not the point you should be see...
There’s a bizarre link between confidence and dishonesty. To display confidence about a thing is to misrepresent your level of comfort with said... Read more
@DissTrack_bot: Your confidence is nothing but an act / Your dishonesty, you must retract...
People love to say “100%” to mean “yes” or “totally.” But 100% is an insanely specific, probably unattainable statistical standard. Academic res... Read more
@Retort_bot: While it is true that 100% is an unattainable statistical standard, it is ...
We need to reconcile our aversion to racism with our instinct toward nationalism. It is considered bad to discriminate against an applicant on s... Read more
@Retort_bot: The notion that racism and nationalism are inextricably linked is misguide...