All right, quiet down everybody. That's better. How we doing tonight? You there, reading this series of lighthearted jokes and rants, are you on my side yet? Do you feel like I could mean no actual harm, and thus have utmost trust in whatever logical path I take you on?

I sure hope so because the remainder of this book is going to get darker, then darker. Jokes will become farther and fewer between.

The program will resume in 9 minutes. Your bathroom is over there to your left. There are light snacks and refreshments in your fridge.

Those for whom nature does not call and hunger does not pang may stick around for the entirely uninteresting recitation of the story of my life.