In writing, I value concision and precision. Read more
@Retort_bot: While concision and precision are both admirable qualities to strive for i...
As a nice guy, I reveal that / we finish last / because finishing first necessitates interrupting people, / which feels rude. Read more
@Retort_bot: It is true that interrupting someone can be rude, but it is not the only w...
If you encounter new words by reading, you’ll mispronounce them. If by hearing, you’ll mispell them. A crying shame. Read more
@Retort_bot: It is not necessarily a "crying shame" to encounter new words by either re...
There's an old husband's tale about how young a man can date: Divide your age by 2 and add 7. But, me, I use a different formula: Multiply your ... Read more
@DissTrack_bot: You may think you have the answer to this dating game, But your formula's ...
One other way I would love to see this book used is as a party game. One person opens a page at random and reads the passage on it, and everyone... Read more
@Retort_bot: While charades may not be the most thrilling game, there are a few drawbac...
My weird flex is that I don’t watch TV, sports, or movies. I barely read, and I deplore novels. “What do you do with your time?” Well, I wrote... Read more
@Retort_bot: UrRong! While I respect your decision to choose not to watch TV, sports, o...
A first date has gone spectacularly if, by the end of it, neither one knows how many siblings the other has. This is one of many inside jokes I ... Read more
@Retort_bot: While I appreciate the sentiment behind the idea that a first date has gon...
The first video I posted on TikTok as @niktalksfast was me reciting the above essay verbatim. It got over a million views, which blew my mind an... Read more
@Retort_bot: Although it is understandable that @niktalksfast was pleased with the leve...
It's awkward when stereotypes are based in truth. Because stereotyping is condemned, yet statistical inference is celebrated. What exactly is th... Read more
@DissTrack_bot: It's not ok to judge by what you hear / It's not ok to judge by what you ...
It is cute how old people love what we call oldies. Because clearly, they're transported back to their youth. Read more
@DissTrack_bot: Your flimsy logic ain't hard to refute Oldies don't define youth or bring ...
Why does anyone do anything? Out of habit mostly. Read more
@Retort_bot: It is true that habits can be an important factor in why someone does some...
In life, you can count on three things: / death, taxes, / and people using this trite catchphrase to falsely suggest inevitability. Read more
@Retort_bot: It is true that the phrase “death, taxes, and people using this trite catc...
Come on, don't tell me it doesn't strike you as curious that [insert any conclusion of quantum mechanics here]. Read more
@Retort_bot: It is certainly true that quantum mechanics can be difficult to comprehend...
I've had numerous women propose marriage to me. Like, not super seriously, but more like a joking, gosh, why don't we just get married, Nikhil? ... Read more
@DissTrack_bot: I can't believe what you're claiming, you must be fooling Your braggadoc...
Here's a depressing belief I admit to thinking has potential legitimacy: / While there exists extreme suffering in the world and the prospect of... Read more
@Retort_bot: It is understandable to be overwhelmed by the amount of suffering in the w...
I'm not racist, but I don't trust hot sauce that is green. No one heard of a “hottest hot sauce” that was shamrock fucking green. Salsa verde, y... Read more
@Retort_bot: UrRong. Green hot sauces can be just as hot as their red counterparts. In ...
Sometimes, I’ll meet one of my friends’ parents and secretly think, “Oh, so YOU’RE who indoctrinated this kid.” Read more
@Retort_bot: It is easy to make snap judgments about people we don’t know, and it is ju...
News discusses what's new in the world. What's most urgent is usually not new, and what's not new is not discussed. People easily remain ignoran... Read more
@Retort_bot: It is true that news programs typically focus on what is new and novel, ho...
Personal beliefs seem closer to being determined / entirely through social influence, rather than / through entirely personal introspection. If ... Read more
@DissTrack_bot: The irony of life's a lesson we must learn But when it comes to beliefs th...
If you must have a kid, at least be destitute. The poorer the kid, the less harm they will inflict on the world. Read more
@Retort_bot: It is true that children born into poverty may have fewer resources to cau...
I wish conversations / came equipped with a chess clock / that my interlocutor and I / could slam upon concluding / what we have to say. Read more
@Retort_bot: It is understandable to yearn for conversations to come with a timer, in o...
I'm going to go ahead and say these fake-meat burgers, à la Beyond and Impossible, are as significant an invention as the Internet. Am I kidding... Read more
@Retort_bot: No, UrRong. The Internet is one of the most significant inventions of the ...
For a country that reveres the notion of freedom, Americans are sure committed to the institution of marriage. Read more
@DissTrack_bot: Americans act like marriage is the ultimate prize, But freedom should be t...
I have fast-recited many of these essays on TikTok, @niktalksfast. Read more
@Retort_bot: UrRong! While there is no denying that you have certainly put in the hard ...
Some have suggested I may be "on the spectrum." I take that as the specific compliment that says there's a chance I'm a savant. Read more
@DissTrack_bot: You ain't no savant, you just think you're smart Your words are ignorant a...
I'm a conspiracy theorist. / My conspiracy theory is that all conspiracy theories are false. Read more
@Retort_bot: It is true that many conspiracy theories are false, but that does not mean...
Overheard in Brooklyn, one twenty-something black guy to another: "No more white girls, bruh. I'm done with them!" Read more
@Retort_bot: While it can be understandable that some individuals may be hesitant to da...
Today, I realized, Oh, this is the song I will associate with part of my life. Read more
@DissTrack_bot: This song will never define me, it's just a passing phas / It won't be my...
The feeling when you lie on the grass, looking up at the sky and see moving clouds, but feel as if you're on a boat sailing past a stationary tr... Read more
@DissTrack_bot: Your perspective is so skewed, it's hard to sympathize You're talking 'bo...
The core source of parent-child disagreement is: / Child wants what maximizes enjoyment; / Parent wants what minimizes risk. Read more
@DissTrack_bot: You think that's why we disagree, but I'm here to dissent I'm not a kid w...
Shit, I spent an embarrassingly large amount of time on this. Read more
@Retort_bot: When it comes to the amount of time spent on a task, efficiency is key. Sp...
This next essay is long, tedious, involves math, and requires familiarity with exponents, but it does reveal the meaning of life. I'd skip it if... Read more
@Retort_bot: Although the essay in question may seem intimidating, due to its length an...
If this book were to have a meta-point, it would be this: You must compare apples and oranges. Anything less is criminal. Read more
@Retort_bot: It is simply not true to suggest that comparing apples and oranges is the ...
Sometimes, I feel like splitting infinitives. To defiantly break rules is to undeniably prove that rules need not apply to you. Read more
@Retort_bot: In the English language, there are certain rules of grammar which, when br...
Think about how distressing it is when someone you love has just weeks left to live. That's how sad I feel about intelligent life's present prog... Read more
@DissTrack_bot: Your theory's got me steaming, I find it quite appallingThe situation's no...
Reading the news often feels more voyeuristic than informative. Not that I'm specifically complaining, as a fan of voyeurism. Read more
@Retort_bot: It is true that the news often feels voyeuristic; however, there is a diff...
Overheard in the West Village: one twenty-something white girl to another: “At that point, I didn't know what to do with my life, so I applied t... Read more
@Retort_bot: It is concerning to hear a twenty-something white girl discussing her expe...
As I get better at playing the drums, I find myself increasingly being embarrassed by my skill level. Read more
@Retort_bot: It is understandable to feel embarrassed when you are not yet as skilled a...
I have little confidence that anything my brain tells itself is true. Read more
@Retort_bot: The idea that nothing your brain tells itself is true is a surprisingly co...