I'll admit I'm concerned about factory farms. Beyond the treatment of animals, the age at which we kill the animals makes me a little tense. As soon as there's enough meat on their bones, it’s off with their head. And that turns out to be around the age of one.

Here’s one, simple trick the meat industry could use to win back my business: Just sell me meat that died of old age. Natural causes!

Give me a cancer chicken sandwich and do serve it pink for the cure! The sudden infant death syndrome veal looks amazing; I’ll have it as rare as the affliction that caused it!

But, please, keep your homicide wings off my fucking plate.