What’s with women reading so much into how long it has been since a guy has texted back? Not that anyone asked, but I have a deeply sexist theory that I will now mansplain to you.

I think what a woman looks for in a man is a partner who will be there for her in trying times, who will stay with her through the worst, who will be a committed spouse and loving dad.

So, when she texts him, watcha doin, and he doesn’t reply immediately, her thought process goes something like this:

0 to 5 seconds: ok, I guess it takes him a while to reach for his phone and start typing. No worries! Relationships take patience.

6 to 30 seconds: ok, he’s probably finishing a bite of his sandwich, thinking of a flirty response! I’ll show him what a supportive future wife I’ll be and let him eat in peace.

31 to 60 seconds: ok, this dipshit is 100% fucking another woman right now.

Minutes 1-5: all right, maybe I should chill. Maybe his phone is on silent! Sometimes that happens even to me! Moreover, I should give him space.

Minutes 5-15: Space!?? If this motherfucker can’t reply to me within 10 minutes, what the fuck is he going to do when I’ve had a bad day, when I get laid off, when we have trouble conceiving, when I’ve been diagnosed with cancer?? He’s going to spend 15 minutes thinking about whether and how to respond to my needs? No!! He better support the living hell out of me, immediately and unconditionally, you self-centered, unfaithful sack of shit!! You don’t get “space”!!!

Minutes 15-30: tremors, cold sweats, uncontrollable rage. Distinct thoughts hard to form through primal seething

Minutes 30-318: through tears: I really thought we had something, but he just showed me what a lowlife he is. I hope he and whatever whore he’s with live unhappily ever after. To think I thought I could depend on him for anything—anything! —I am so gullible. sobs

Minute 319: incoming text from him: Hey! Sorry, was at the pool, then my phone died. Can I…come over?

Minute 319: wipes tears off face

Minute 320: texts back: yaes