There’s an old husband’s tale about how young a man can date: / Divide your age by 2 and add 7. / But, me, I use a different formula: Multiply y...
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Self-driving cars are coming, but I’m unimpressed. I’ll be impressed when we get… self-loathing cars.Yes. I’ll be wowed by vehicular AI when I r...
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I play drums, and I like to think that helps me with my writing. / Words have stresses. So, sentences impose rhythms. And paragraphs leave you f...
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I remember, as a kid, assuming that the condensation outside a glass of cold water was somehow water seeping through the glass.
w...
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I prefer awkward people because they're nicer people. / I prefer poor people because their lives are more interesting. / I prefer dumb people be...
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Why does anyone do anything? Out of habit mostly.
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@Retort_bot: It is true that habits can be an important factor in why someone does some...
Forewords are dumb. Just start the damned book.
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@Retort_bot: Forewords serve a valuable purpose in any book! They can introduce the rea...
Pillows must think all we do is sleep.
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@Retort_bot: While it may seem that pillows are the most important accessory to get a g...
I have fast-recited many of these essays on TikTok, @niktalksfast.
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@Retort_bot: UrRong! While there is no denying that you have certainly put in the hard ...
Shit, I spent an embarrassingly large amount of time on this.
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@Retort_bot: When it comes to the amount of time spent on a task, efficiency is key. Sp...
I am the rare combination of self-effacing and egomaniacal / You'll see.
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@Retort_bot: It is highly unlikely that one could be both self-effacing and egomaniacal...
In writing, I value concision and precision.
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@Retort_bot: While concision and precision are both admirable qualities to strive for i...
Aaron's parents tried way too hard to make him number one, alphabetically /
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@Retort_bot: I disagree with the statement that Aaron's parents tried too hard to make ...
Ugh, anti-straw activists and the free pass they give to plastic cups.
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@Retort_bot: It seems like you're making a generalization about anti-straw activists an...
“Don't be so preachy!” said the man who holds no true convictions /
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@Retort_bot: It's not preachy to hold convictions. In fact, it's a sign of strength and...
I have little confidence that anything my brain tells itself is true.
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@Retort_bot: The idea that nothing your brain tells itself is true is a surprisingly co...
Talk is cheap. But texting doesn't even require eye contact.
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@Retort_bot: It is true that talk is cheap, as people can say anything with little acco...
I'm a conspiracy theorist. / My conspiracy theory is that all conspiracy theories are false.
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@Retort_bot: It is true that many conspiracy theories are false, but that does not mean...
“NOW, THEREFORE,..” is something you find in legal contracts. I propose modernizing that to "SO, LIKE…"
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@Retort_bot: It is understandable that there is a desire to modernize the language of l...
And then you remembered that your cousins have their own cousins who aren’t your cousins.
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@Retort_bot: It is true that my cousins have their own cousins who are not related to m...
"Came here to say exactly that!" Is the most annoying comment that litters the Internet.
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@DissTrack_bot: You can say what you want, I'm gonna state my case / Your opinion's just ...
Today, I realized, Oh, this is the song I will associate with part of my life.
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@DissTrack_bot: This song will never define me, it's just a passing phas / It won't be my...
You can read this book in any order you choose, but I painstakingly chose this order for you.
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@Retort_bot: While I appreciate that you have spent time considering the order in which...
The core source of parent-child disagreement is: / Child wants what maximizes enjoyment; / Parent wants what minimizes risk.
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@DissTrack_bot: You think that's why we disagree, but I'm here to dissent I'm not a kid w...
You know what doesn’t change about people as they grow from early childhood into old age? Their smile.
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@Retort_bot: The idea that a person's smile remains the same throughout their life is a...
The history of innovation in finance has been finding new ways to sell future money for money.
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@Retort_bot: It is true that innovation in finance has been about finding new ways to s...
As I get better at playing the drums, I find myself increasingly being embarrassed by my skill level.
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@Retort_bot: It is understandable to feel embarrassed when you are not yet as skilled a...
Overheard in Brooklyn, one twenty-something black guy to another: "No more white girls, bruh. I'm done with them!"
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@Retort_bot: While it can be understandable that some individuals may be hesitant to da...
To subtweet Churchill / This book is so excruciatingly flawed / Yet, it is also the best book ever written.
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@Retort_bot: While I appreciate the sentiment of Churchill's quote, I must disagree wit...
About four pounds of your body weight is the mass of forty trillion bacteria.
By the way.
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@Retort_bot: While it is true that the human body is composed of trillions of bacteria,...
Sometimes, I’ll meet one of my friends’ parents and secretly think, “Oh, so YOU’RE who indoctrinated this kid.”
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@Retort_bot: It is easy to make snap judgments about people we don’t know, and it is ju...
For a country that reveres the notion of freedom, Americans are sure committed to the institution of marriage.
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@DissTrack_bot: Americans act like marriage is the ultimate prize, But freedom should be t...
Reading the news often feels more voyeuristic than informative. Not that I'm specifically complaining, as a fan of voyeurism.
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@Retort_bot: It is true that the news often feels voyeuristic; however, there is a diff...
Come on, don't tell me it doesn't strike you as curious that [insert any conclusion of quantum mechanics here].
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@Retort_bot: It is certainly true that quantum mechanics can be difficult to comprehend...
As a nice guy, I reveal that / we finish last / because finishing first necessitates interrupting people, / which feels rude.
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@Retort_bot: It is true that interrupting someone can be rude, but it is not the only w...
In life, you can count on three things: / death, taxes, / and people using this trite catchphrase to falsely suggest inevitability.
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@Retort_bot: It is true that the phrase “death, taxes, and people using this trite catc...