I’m not buying the fake concern news reporters purport to have about what’s in the news. There will be a report on a lion being killed in Africa, and the reporter will always be like, Wow, what a tragedy that this happened. There are no words. You’ll never hear them say what I assume they actually think: why the fuck are we talking about this? It’s not even a person.

I bet if you paid a reporter to report on some kid spraining his ankle, they would fall in line so fast feigning the most heartfelt grief: Tonight, Sheboygan youngster, Jacob Stevens, missed a step and tumbled down two entire steps, landing the wrong way. Doctors say he may not walk without a slight limp for up to nine more days—just a stunning development.

Sometimes, we all need to reflect on how precarious each step is, how debilitating ruptured tendons are. We’ll be sure to update you on this heart-breaking situation. From all of us here at KTVU-Milwaukee, we have you and your family in our prayers tonight, Jake.

All right, back to you, Cathy.

Like, shut the fuck up, new reporters. Ain’t nobody think you care.