Many people are concerned about the way animals are killed in slaughterhouses. I’m with them on that. It’s brutal. Such killing methods, if perpetrated on humans, would be decried as war crimes, as cruel and unusual punishment.

In the spirit of offering suggestions instead of pointing fingers, I would like to put forth a proposal that I think all sides of the animal rights debate can get behind. I propose introducing to factory farms…the electric chair.

Now, hold on a minute. I can sense you’re not on board. “Gosh Nikhil,” you say, “electrocution sounds a whole lot more expensive than a customary slash to the jugular. What’s next? Due process? Courts of appeals?”

But come on, people! Cost should be no factor when it comes to preserving a modicum of dignity in our meat-producing ritual. More to the point though, I suspect there’s a marketable diet fad in here. Just like we have grass-fed and free-range, I think I may have invented the hottest steak label in town: swiftly executed.

I can picture it in Whole Foods now: a twenty-four-dollar pack of swiftly executed steak. On it, a photo of the actual cow you’re buying, strapped into an electric chair, so you know it’s certified swift. Wires affixed to all four udders. Hooves tightly shackled. A warden on call in case of disruption. A chaplain on-site at the herd’s request.