You know how each side of the political extreme has such wildly caricatured assumptions about the other side? Conservatives are xenophobic, climate-denying, corporate-brainwashed racists! Liberals are pretentious soy boy beta male cucks who think that gender is a construct, that Christmas is offensive, and that the world is going to end!
But it is actually kind of hard to find those cartoon characters among the general voting population. Everyone is more or less a kind, rational, family-loving person, not remotely resembling the extremists that their political opponents envision. Everyone, that is, except for me.
I think I am the caricature incarnate of the liberal left and I, therefore, apply to be its poster boy. I am a soy boy: I’m vegan and I fucking love tofu and soy milk. Literally, half my meals are Soylent. I am the assistant vice-captain of team beta male! I’m never aggressive, I hate selling, and I readily defer to others’ preferences in social situations.
I do declare war on Christmas! Someone needs to countervail its transparently commercial hijacking.
I do think gender is a construct! Hell, I think existence, consciousness, free will, and physical matter are constructs, too. I think marriage is a scam propped up by the wedding industry; hence, I haven’t had the opportunity to be a literal cuck. But if I were the marrying type, I don’t know, maybe I’d give cuckoldry a try! It sounds just kinky enough for me.
I do think life on Earth is going to end if we don’t slam the brakes on our carbon emissions that figuratively went from 0 to 60 in 1.2 galactic seconds. I do think that even if our species delays its extinction a-whole-‘nother millennium, that will still be such a devastating disaster of a scenario given how very long life has thrived in this world.
At the time of this book’s writing, I am broke, jobless, working on a “startup.” I’m in debt and living at my parents’ figurative basement. Yet I still identify as a coastal elite! So, conservative right, cast me as your villain! Enlist me as your straw man! Quote this book as evidence of deranged #LiberalLogic. Cite me as evidence that a cuck like me exists.