Given that we are all going to die and the life as we know it will cease to exist soon enough, the scary truth is that there is no objective basis for any moral belief you might have. You say it's wrong to kill? I ask why you think that. Could it be because you, yourself, don't want to be slain. And if people didn't think killing humans was an awful, awful thing, well then someone might just decide to kill you.

But if that weren't the case, and you could unilaterally kill people without legal consequence or fear of retribution, let's be honest, it would be kind of nice in the same way it’s nice that one can kill a menacing mosquito or appetizing animal without consequence.

So, what else do we consider morally wrong? Sexual violence? Animals do it. Evolution seems to encourage it. There's no law of physics suggesting it's de facto inappropriate. Racism? I will prove you’re much worse than a racist in a few chapters. Adultery? Again, most animals are all about it. The only reason you’re express aghastion is that you don’t want me, specifically, to get your hot wife pregnant with my Indian babies.

It is not objectively wrong to lie, cheat, steal, pummel or pillage. I’d be curious to hear you argue otherwise. You Kant.

So, given this default moral clusterfuck, what I think actually happened a couple thousand Earth years ago (note: 5 galactic minutes ago) is that some enterprising young man, let’s call him Moses, recognized this problem, was disillusioned by the societal mayhem that prevailed, and took it upon himself to bring peace to the Middle East.

He ascended a mountain, carrying a stone, a chisel, and a fat spliff in his backpack. He smoked the blunt to calm his nerves, took out his stone and began chiseling what he called, to his great amusement, The Ten Commandments.

It would be an epic prank in which he would inscribe the objectively amoral (and not immoral) crimes he was sick of other people doing and ascribe it to the inventor of Earth he—yo, crazy story!—met while he was hiking, completely sober, I’m telling you!

“Rule number one," he began with a grin. “The name’s God. Call me by my name. And y’all do what the fuck I say!”

“Rule number two, I am the only God. Any other similar claimant is a fake-ass bitch!”

That, by the way, reminds me of that classic restaurant sign that says, “Rule #1: the customer is always right. Rule #2: if the customer is wrong, see rule #1.” Like, you were sort of going along with the first rule, but it’s kind of annoying that there is a second rule preventing you from even questioning the first.

Moses starts getting of himself with these self-serving rules. He takes another hit, devolves into a frenzy of paranoia, and continued chiseling all of his deepest insecurities:

“Don’t ever diss me, you hear?”

“Don’t covet my shit!”

“Don’t lie to my face!”

“Don’t stab me in the back! “Don’t steal my bike!”

“Don’t fuck my wife!”

“And God motherfucking damns it; I am not coming in to work on Sunday!”