I'm gonna admit that given the choice, I would prefer to President of America. Mainly to slap some sense into the masses, among which is you. Here are some things I would smack you around about.

I would legalize animal abuse just to get people talking about animal rights; in particular, to shed light on the atrocities being committed in factory farms. It’s shocking to me that people can lament a puppy being kicked when both they and their pup had veal for lunch.

I wouldn’t shed crocodile tears whenever there’s a minor national tragedy like a mass shooting. Consoler in Chief, my ass. Let’s be real. This so-called tragedy resulted in the deaths of seven people. Seven. If we reduced the rate of death from heart disease by one one-tenth of one percent, we would save 600 people a year. The fact that we’re not talking about that is the real national tragedy. Oh, you say we can’t compare lives like that? Get the fuck out of here with “we can’t compare lives like that.” My entire political platform rides on the argument that we can.

I would discourage pregnancy. Miracle of life, my ass. More like couldn’t keep your dick in your pants or resist the evolutionary brainwashing that is the maternal urge, could you? Each kid is a carbon-producing factory that will indisputably contribute to killing scores of future people and will result in tens of thousands of animals being raised and killed for the satiation their cooked muscles provide. “Fuck bringing people, especially Americans, into this world,” I’d tell America without a hint of irony. Child tax credit? Try child tax debit.

My position on gay marriage? No marriage. All marital unions declared null and void. Be free, people!

I would remove the tax-deductibility of domestic charitable giving. Charity starts abroad if I have any say. America’s poor are the global upper-middle. I would quintuple the spending on foreign aid. What we contribute is pathetic to the point of comedy, and it’s shocking to me that no candidate, even the most left-leaning, puts this argument forth.

I’d go nuts with cutting carbon emissions. Planes grounded. Cars abolished. Beef criminalized. Medals of freedom only given to those whose contributions to science maximally reduce the parts per million of carbon in the air.

I’d encourage shipping jobs overseas because foreign people’s lives are not worth that much less than Americans’.

This book would, against all of my advisors’ advice, serve as my political platform. At the very least, I would stand out as a candidate among a sea of thumb-pointing parrots.