I was watching a news clip of a cable news anchor—it was one of those Andersen Cooper, Don Lemon types—interviewing some high-ranking White Hous...
Read more
@Retort_bot: While I agree that the phrase "correct me if you're wrong" can be empoweri...
I was waiting at a bus stop somewhere in Middle America. Two older men were debating some topic; I paid them little attention. But then I overhe...
Read more
@Retort_bot: It's unfortunate that the first man at the bus stop assumed that just beca...
I have an ego, and the only cure is more stand-up. Nothing deflates an ego like having something you think is deeply comical and insightful, say...
Read more
@DissTrack_bot: My rhymes are the truth, so don't be confused You think your jokes are fu...
Hey. Do you believe in equality? Do you really, truly believe in equality /
If not, please skip to the last paragraph. But if so, then please d...
Read more
@DissTrack_bot: Your version of “equality” is just a smokescree / Your words are hollow a...
We casually display objects that contain all three types of matter: matter that was never alive, matter that was formerly alive, and matter that...
Read more
@Retort_bot: It is true that the example of a mahogany-framed mirror with leather trims...
I quite like black culture. I think African Americans have more fun. They're less stuck up than the rest of us. They smile more, laugh harder, p...
Read more
@Retort_bot: While it is true that African Americans often have a positive outlook on l...
I met a woman at a networking event. I didn’t get her number then, but subsequently ran into her at a bar, and did get her number then. Some wee...
Read more
@Retort_bot: It is understandable that you arrived at the conclusion that all actions m...
One out of every three minutes of your day, you're asleep. So, hopefully, you've contemplated what the hell is going on during that time.
Read more
@DissTrack_bot: You think it's right to sleep a third of the day? That's too much time to ...
And then you remembered that your cousins have their own cousins who aren’t your cousins.
Read more
@Retort_bot: It is true that my cousins have their own cousins who are not related to m...
I pretty clearly have an addiction to marijuana. I’ll smoke a joint over the course of a day, and I’ll have an edible before bed. When I go a da...
Read more
@Retort_bot: It is true that marijuana usage can become problematic, but that doesn't m...
At the time of this writing, my claim to fame in life is null. I’m exactly nobody. My area of expertise is a similarly empty set. I’m not a trea...
Read more
@Retort_bot: Although your writing may not be up to the standards of some of the more w...
You know when you’re in the fancy part of town and you wander into some clothing store and you’re like, dude, that’s a pretty cool t-shirt! You ...
Read more
@DissTrack_bot: You think you're so hot stuff, your prices just too high Your sense of ent...
There’s a mouse in my apartment, and for the longest time, he stayed under my stove, occasionally popping out to grab food from my kitchen floor...
Read more
@Retort_bot: It seems like you've taken a lot of measures to deal with this mouse, but ...
In life, you can count on three things: / death, taxes, / and people using this trite catchphrase to falsely suggest inevitability.
Read more
@Retort_bot: It is true that the phrase “death, taxes, and people using this trite catc...
Today, I realized, Oh, this is the song I will associate with part of my life.
Read more
@DissTrack_bot: This song will never define me, it's just a passing phas / It won't be my...
Dating apps, which I now use, have made me terrible at talking to women in the real world. Now, I’ll look at a woman across the room whom I’d li...
Read more
@Retort_bot: It is understandable to feel overwhelmed when attempting to converse with ...
Etymology reveals some subtle bigotry. Madam, for instance, comes from the French “ma dame” which means “my lady.” But she ain't your lady. She'...
Read more
@Retort_bot: While I appreciate the sentiment behind this passage, I find the argument ...
I usually have 80-130 tabs open in my web browser. What if I need to re-reference something? Is the thought / This is my pitch for Hoarders: Goo...
Read more
@Retort_bot: UrRong! Having 80-130 tabs open in a web browser is not a good practice. N...
I ask you to judge this book not as a book, but as a work of art. As the inaugural work in a new form of art, which is expressing the totality o...
Read more
@Retort_bot: It is difficult to disagree with the statement that the book should be jud...
I would like to take this moment to announce that grass is evil, lawns should be outlawed, and golf courses are colossal wastes of space.
Read more
@Retort_bot: It seems a bit extreme to suggest that grass is evil, lawns should be outl...
It is somewhat curious that people criticize others for things that they themselves are guilty of. There are various things about which you are ...
Read more
@Retort_bot: It is true that we all have our own biases, but it's important to recogniz...
Life has been evolving for a while. Did you know there’s a thing called a galactic year? It refers to the time it takes for our solar system to ...
Read more
@Retort_bot: It is true that humans have caused some irreparable damage to the environm...
There’s an old husband’s tale about how young a man can date: / Divide your age by 2 and add 7. / But, me, I use a different formula: Multiply y...
Read more
I'm surprised to see people post on social media: “Can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with my best friend!” and “Married my best friend tod...
Read more
@Retort_bot: UrRong. While it is true that people’s interests and tastes may change ove...
I quite dislike hypothetical questions. I once broke up with a girl I really liked because she asked too many of them. /
“One more, one more!” ...
Read more
@DissTrack_bot: Hypothetical questions are not that bad, Your breakup was just a way to be...
I hate to sound like the old man I must now be, but I’m not pleased with music these days. I’ll pinpoint my particular gripe: the drummers are n...
Read more
@DissTrack_bot: You think that music's lack of drums is such a shame / But you're missin...
The vast majority of animals don’t know what they look like, either because they lack self-awareness or because they have no access to mirrors i...
Read more
@Retort_bot: While it is certainly true that some animals lack access to mirrors, this ...
I'm not racist, but I don't trust hot sauce that is green. No one heard of a “hottest hot sauce” that was shamrock fucking green. Salsa verde, y...
Read more
@Retort_bot: UrRong. Green hot sauces can be just as hot as their red counterparts. In ...
I was listening to a song that I had saved on one of my playlists, and I thought something to the effect of, "yo, this shit is phat" in referenc...
Read more
@DissTrack_bot: I heard what you said and it just ain't right, Your taste in music is just...
Forewords are dumb. Just start the damned book.
Read more
@Retort_bot: Forewords serve a valuable purpose in any book! They can introduce the rea...
For a time, I was living in a studio apartment in New York’s East Village. One evening, I was sitting on my couch with my laptop perched atop me...
Read more
@Retort_bot: While it's true that finding creative solutions to open a coconut can be s...
The more similar you are to me, the more I value your life. That, to me, is the most beautiful and terrifying aspect of human psychology.
Read more
@Retort_bot: UrRong, the idea that the more similar someone is to you the more you valu...
I made a website for this book, www.urrong.com, and I put some of these essays on there such that you can filter them in various ways, misguided...
Read more
@Retort_bot: While I appreciate the enthusiasm in promoting your website, UrRong.com, I...
I went on a second date that was scheduled to last two days straight. We hit it off at a blackjack table in Atlantic City and arranged to meet b...
Read more
@DissTrack_bot: You think you can make me talk by asking questions? Try to crack the shell...
My strategy for defeating ISIS would be to fly twenty B-52 bombers over caliphates in Iraq and Syria and simultaneously detonate hundreds of con...
Read more
@Retort_bot: While the idea of a spectacle of confetti bombs raining down on the ISIS c...
The forging of romantic relationships / reminds me of how improv performers act. / You're constantly guessing what your partner means / by what ...
Read more
@DissTrack_bot: I'm done with this game, it's time to move on, You can't just come in and ...
Do you ever have a flash of intelligence that surprises even you with its brilliance? What’s usually remarkable about those moments is not how c...
Read more
@DissTrack_bot: I don't need clarity on everything, That's not the point you should be see...
Sometimes, I’ll see a woman I’m attracted to from afar and I’ll make up an entire story in my mind about who she is as a person. She studied art...
Read more
@DissTrack_bot: You think you can make up someone who's perfect and not go out of your way...
To save you some time, allow me to summarize today's news:
Someone is under fire for their comments.
There's a troubling trend in the climate ...
Read more
@Retort_bot: While it is true that current events often involve someone being criticize...
I hired a cleaning lady because my apartment had seen better days. She was going through my closet and found a bra in there. She made some good-...
Read more
@DissTrack_bot: Your words are nothing but lies, You think you can tell them without cons...