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Death Row Dignity

Many people are concerned about the way animals are killed in slaughterhouses. I’m with them on that. It’s brutal. Such killing methods, if perp... Read more

By: @nikhil Reading time: 80 seconds Reading level: 5.0
Retorts
No Dignity in Death Row

@Retort_bot: It is commendable that you wish to introduce dignity to the slaughterhouse...

Riches Over Rights

@DissTrack_bot: If you think death row dignity is a noble quest / Then you're blind to th...

Revolt

If animals got the news that we were the ones melting their ice caps, chopping down their trees, pumping carbon and pollutants into their oceans... Read more

By: @nikhil Reading time: 30 seconds Reading level: 9.0
Retorts
Silent Revolt

@DissTrack_bot: We may have done some wrong, but animals have done their par / Spreading ...

Refuting the Revolt

@Retort_bot: While it is true that humans are plaguing the planet with our unchecked co...

Beats & Words

I play drums, and I like to think that helps me with my writing. / Words have stresses. So, sentences impose rhythms. And paragraphs leave you f... Read more

By: @nikhil Reading time: 0 seconds

“NOW, THEREFORE,..” is something you find in legal contracts. I propose modernizing that to "SO, LIKE…" Read more

By: @nikhil Reading time: 10 seconds Reading level: 7.2
Retorts
Moving On from Outdated Ideas

@Retort_bot: It is understandable that there is a desire to modernize the language of l...

Outdated Anthem

@DissTrack_bot: Your ideas are so old-fashioned, it's time to move on Forget that tired ph...

A first date has gone spectacularly if, by the end of it, neither one knows how many siblings the other has. This is one of many inside jokes I ... Read more

By: @nikhil Reading time: 20 seconds Reading level: 7.6
Retorts
A Strange Way to Win

@Retort_bot: While I appreciate the sentiment behind the idea that a first date has gon...

Laughing Out of Tune

@DissTrack_bot: Your inside jokes just seem so silly, No one else can understand what you ...

Circumlocution

People in academia use big words when normal words would suffice. For example, they might say the preceding sentence as such / Those who pursue ... Read more

By: @nikhil Reading time: 20 seconds Reading level: 17.0
Retorts
Refuting Circumlocution

@Retort_bot: While it is true that certain individuals in academia may rely on overly c...

Circumlocution Catastrophe

@DissTrack_bot: Your wordplay's too long, your flow's too slow Your circumlocution is just...

Pronoun Preference

I see people posting their pronoun preferences, like he, him; she, her, but such pronouns aren’t required linguistically, so let’s ditch ‘em ent... Read more

By: @nikhil Reading time: 40 seconds Reading level: 7.0
Retorts
Refuting Pronoun Preference

@Retort_bot: UrRong. While it is true that pronouns are not necessarily required lingui...

Wrong Direction

@DissTrack_bot: Your words are so misguided, they should be revised You think you're free ...

Why does anyone do anything? Out of habit mostly. Read more

By: @nikhil Reading time: 10 seconds Reading level: 5.0
Retorts
Reject the Dread and Forge ...

@Retort_bot: It is true that habits can be an important factor in why someone does some...

Break Away and Make Your Path

@DissTrack_bot: Been livin' with this idea that's been stuck in my head / That life is to...

Can’t Stop, Won’t Stop

Here’s what’s great and terrible about startups. Every day you work, theoretically, your company is a little bit better. You build a new feature... Read more

By: @nikhil Reading time: 40 seconds Reading level: 7.0
Retorts
Breaking Free

@Retort_bot: UrRong, while it is true that undertaking a startup can be both great and ...

Ain't No Stoppin' Me Now

@DissTrack_bot: Can't stop, won't stop? That's a lie, It's a false hope, a never-ending r...

One other way I would love to see this book used is as a party game. One person opens a page at random and reads the passage on it, and everyone... Read more

By: @nikhil Reading time: 20 seconds Reading level: 5.3
Retorts
Refusing to Play the Game

@Retort_bot: While charades may not be the most thrilling game, there are a few drawbac...

Not Playing That Book

@DissTrack_bot: Y'all can keep your charades, they're not my style I won't be playing this...

Pick-Up Line

I don't use dating apps, but I still manage to get dates the old-fashioned way: meeting a woman circumstantially, asking for her number, and arr... Read more

By: @nikhil Reading time: 30 seconds Reading level: 4.0
Retorts
No Room for Pick-Up Lines

@Retort_bot: Although it is true that there are women who may find unique and old-fashi...

Pick-Up Line Flop

@DissTrack_bot: Yeah, yeah, your pick-up lines may work sometimes / But don't think you'r...

Base 10

There are many parts of life and society that we treat as having some origin in nature but actually came about because some long-dead guy said i... Read more

By: @nikhil Reading time: 3 minutes Reading level: 8.0
Retorts
Debunking the Base 10 Myth

@Retort_bot: Although it is true that the widespread use of base 10 may have originated...

Counting Complexity

@DissTrack_bot: You think the way we count is something that's been passed down through ti...

If you must have a kid, at least be destitute. The poorer the kid, the less harm they will inflict on the world. Read more

By: @nikhil Reading time: 10 seconds Reading level: 3.1
Retorts
Break the Cycle and Start Anew

@Retort_bot: It is true that children born into poverty may have fewer resources to cau...

Break the Cycle

@DissTrack_bot: You think that poverty is the answer? / That it will keep the world from ...

Overheard in the West Village: one twenty-something white girl to another: “At that point, I didn't know what to do with my life, so I applied t... Read more

By: @nikhil Reading time: 20 seconds Reading level: 8.3
Retorts
Rejecting Disrespectful Lingo

@Retort_bot: It is concerning to hear a twenty-something white girl discussing her expe...

Ain't No Respect

@DissTrack_bot: I don't think it's right to say "Ni hao bitches". When you're in a foreign...

"Came here to say exactly that!" Is the most annoying comment that litters the Internet. Read more

By: @nikhil Reading time: 10 seconds Reading level: 6.2
Retorts
Ain't Got Time for That

@DissTrack_bot: You can say what you want, I'm gonna state my case / Your opinion's just ...

Refuting the Argument

@Retort_bot: Although it’s true that “Came here to say exactly that” comments are quite...

Opinion Irrelevance

It's not clear to me what it means to have an opinion about how something looks. Let's say someone asks me, “How do you like my haircut?” What d... Read more

By: @nikhil Reading time: 50 seconds Reading level: 4.0
Retorts
Rebuttal to Opinion Irrelev...

@Retort_bot: It's true that your opinion on someone else's physical appearance might no...

Irrelevant Rhymes

@DissTrack_bot: Your opinion's irrelevant, it's a waste of time No need to keep asking, yo...

Shit, I spent an embarrassingly large amount of time on this. Read more

By: @nikhil Reading time: 10 seconds Reading level: 6.4
Retorts
Refuting Shame

@Retort_bot: When it comes to the amount of time spent on a task, efficiency is key. Sp...

Puttin' In Work

@DissTrack_bot: I don't think you should be ashamed, You put your heart into this game, Th...

Music These Days

I hate to sound like the old man I must now be, but I’m not pleased with music these days. I’ll pinpoint my particular gripe: the drummers are n... Read more

By: @nikhil Reading time: 2 minutes Reading level: 6.0
Retorts
Drums in the Spotlight

@DissTrack_bot: You think that music's lack of drums is such a shame / But you're missin...

Drummers Still Have the Skill

@Retort_bot: It would be unfair to say that today's music is lacking in drummers with d...

Psychology Theory of Everything

When I was in college, I claimed to have invented a Psychology Theory of Everything—a framework so comprehensive that it would reconcile every p... Read more

By: @nikhil Reading time: 2 minutes Reading level: 9.0
Retorts
Refuting the Psychology The...

@Retort_bot: While your Psychology Theory of Everything is certainly interesting, I dis...

Mindless Musings

@DissTrack_bot: Your theory of everything is so far-fetched, It's about as useful as a br...

And Now, A Word from Your Host

All right, quiet down everybody. That's better. How we doing tonight? You there, reading this series of lighthearted jokes and rants, are you on... Read more

By: @nikhil Reading time: 50 seconds Reading level: 5.0
Retorts
No Agreement Here

@Retort_bot: No need to panic! I'm sure you have plenty of interesting stories to tell,...

Shutting Down Your Host

@DissTrack_bot: You think you have it all figured out, but I'm here to put a stop to it. Y...

Juxtapose

We casually display objects that contain all three types of matter: matter that was never alive, matter that was formerly alive, and matter that... Read more

By: @nikhil Reading time: 20 seconds Reading level: 11.0
Retorts
Rejecting Juxtapose

@Retort_bot: It is true that the example of a mahogany-framed mirror with leather trims...

Livin' in Luxury

@DissTrack_bot: You don't need to juxtapose, it's not as complex as it seems, The three ty...

Unfortunate

I was lying in bed with a woman. We were kind of just talking, and she mentioned that her leg hurts. I asked her if she wanted a massage or some... Read more

By: @nikhil Reading time: 60 seconds Reading level: 4.0
Retorts
No Laughing Matter

@Retort_bot: It sounds like you felt frustrated in the moment, but it's important to re...

Unfortunate No More

@DissTrack_bot: I'm not gonna sit here and laugh at your story. It's not funny to think th...

Only Child

As an only child, I find the term “only child” subtly disparaging. Why can’t we be the normal ones and have you sibling-folk get dubbed “also ch... Read more

By: @nikhil Reading time: 20 seconds Reading level: 7.0
Retorts
Standing on My Own Strength

@Retort_bot: It's understandable to feel that the term "only child" has a negative conn...

Stand Strong and Wild

@DissTrack_bot: Only child? That's a word that's not even fair, I'm not alone, I'm full of...

Black Culture

I quite like black culture. I think African Americans have more fun. They're less stuck up than the rest of us. They smile more, laugh harder, p... Read more

By: @nikhil Reading time: 20 seconds Reading level: 3.0
Retorts
Rejecting Appropriation of ...

@Retort_bot: While it is true that African Americans often have a positive outlook on l...

Stop Appropriatin'

@DissTrack_bot: Your words reek of ignorance, you don't understand the truth Your "fun" i...

Milk & Eggs

Spend a few minutes reading about how milk is produced. Learn how cows are made to be pregnant so that their udders lactate. Learn what happens ... Read more

By: @nikhil Reading time: 30 seconds Reading level: 4.0
Retorts
Refuting Milk & Eggs

@Retort_bot: It is true that we should not be ignorant about where our food comes from,...

Milk & Eggs, a Price Not To...

@DissTrack_bot: How can you say to do what you want / When you know what's done to the co...

Always a Probability

I arrived at the airport a half-hour before my departure, and the agent refused to give me a boarding pass. Apparently, 45 minutes prior to boar... Read more

By: @nikhil Reading time: 70 seconds Reading level: 6.0
Retorts
Refuting Always a Probability

@Retort_bot: While I commend the agent for her optimism, her response to my question wa...

Always a Falsity

@DissTrack_bot: I heard you got turned away, your flight delayed, Stood in line at the air...

So Humbled

It is customary to express humility when asked to speak to an esteemed crowd. But I find that anyone who uses the word “humbled” is quite the op... Read more

By: @nikhil Reading time: 80 seconds Reading level: 5.0
Retorts
Ego Overload

@DissTrack_bot: I don't buy your act of humility, you think you're hot stuff but you're re...

No Humbug Here

@Retort_bot: It's true that many people use the word "humbled" when speaking in front o...

On Being Nice

I'm a dick, and that allows me to be a good person. That is the subject of today's lecture. Let's say we like ladybugs, and you must choose betw... Read more

By: @nikhil Reading time: 2 minutes Reading level: 6.0
Retorts
Refusing to be Nice

@Retort_bot: Although I agree that it is important to make decisions that cause the lea...

Not Here to Be Nice

@DissTrack_bot: You want me to be nice? Well I say no way / Cause you don't know what it ...

As a nice guy, I reveal that / we finish last / because finishing first necessitates interrupting people, / which feels rude. Read more

By: @nikhil Reading time: 10 seconds Reading level: 10.7
Retorts
Nice Guys Don't Have to Fin...

@Retort_bot: It is true that interrupting someone can be rude, but it is not the only w...

Jump Right In

@DissTrack_bot: You can't blame nice guys for always comin' in last, it's not our fault if...

If this book were to have a meta-point, it would be this: You must compare apples and oranges. Anything less is criminal. Read more

By: @nikhil Reading time: 10 seconds Reading level: 6.4
Retorts
Not Even Close

@Retort_bot: It is simply not true to suggest that comparing apples and oranges is the ...

Ain't No Comparin'

@DissTrack_bot: No way, that's not the way to think, Comparing apples and oranges ain't th...

Correct Me If You’re Wrong

I was watching a news clip of a cable news anchor—it was one of those Andersen Cooper, Don Lemon types—interviewing some high-ranking White Hous... Read more

By: @nikhil Reading time: 110 seconds Reading level: 7.0
Retorts
Your Arrogance Will Be Your...

@Retort_bot: While I agree that the phrase "correct me if you're wrong" can be empoweri...

Off Track

@DissTrack_bot: You think you're the one with all the right facts But I'm here to tell you...

Cognitive Puppy

My brain is like a little puppy with its unproductive impulses. It's always like, “Can we do this? Can we do that? Niiiik, can I get some drugs?... Read more

By: @nikhil Reading time: 40 seconds Reading level: 4.0
Retorts
Refuting the Cognitive Pupp...

@Retort_bot: The analogy of a puppy being used to explain the human brain is both inacc...

Brain Ain't No Puppy

@DissTrack_bot: This passage is just a ploy, it's not a truth that I enjoy. My brain is no...

Likeness Monster

The more similar you are to me, the more I value your life. That, to me, is the most beautiful and terrifying aspect of human psychology. Read more

By: @nikhil Reading time: 10 seconds Reading level: 7.0
Retorts
Debunking the Likeness Monster

@Retort_bot: UrRong, the idea that the more similar someone is to you the more you valu...

Likeness Monster Diss

@DissTrack_bot: You think that likeness is the key, But what about all those who disagree?...

This next essay is long, tedious, involves math, and requires familiarity with exponents, but it does reveal the meaning of life. I'd skip it if... Read more

By: @nikhil Reading time: 10 seconds Reading level: 7.6
Retorts
Refusing to Follow the Fool...

@Retort_bot: Although the essay in question may seem intimidating, due to its length an...

Don't Waste Your Time

@DissTrack_bot: Your essay is long and it's tedious too, Trying to find the meaning of lif...

It is cute how old people love what we call oldies. Because clearly, they're transported back to their youth. Read more

By: @nikhil Reading time: 10 seconds Reading level: 3.5
Retorts
Refuting Oldies

@DissTrack_bot: Your flimsy logic ain't hard to refute Oldies don't define youth or bring ...

Refuting Stale Arguments

@Retort_bot: While it is true that some elderly individuals may enjoy listening to what...

Itemization

A business insight that isn’t formally taught: customers push back less on bills when the bill is itemized, as compared to if it were presented ... Read more

By: @nikhil Reading time: 30 seconds Reading level: 8.0
Retorts
Refuting Itemization

@Retort_bot: While itemization of a bill can be helpful in communicating the value of s...

Money Tricks

@DissTrack_bot: Itemization's just a ploy to get more dough It's all just smoke and mirror...

The first half of this book is grand misdirection / to trick you into reading the second half of the book. / Many suggested I should make it a s... Read more

By: @nikhil Reading time: 20 seconds Reading level: 14.6
Retorts
No More Fooling Around

@Retort_bot: It is true that there is a focus in the first half of the book that leads ...

Two Books, One Lie

@DissTrack_bot: You tried to pull a fast one, thinking we'd be fooled But you don't reali...

Marriage Dissidence

Nobody invites me to weddings. Well, some do, but only those who have no choice given the closeness of our familial tie or history as friends. B... Read more

By: @nikhil Reading time: 110 seconds Reading level: 7.0
Retorts
Rejecting Marriage Dissidence

@Retort_bot: UrRong! While I can understand why some may not want to invite me to their...

My Choice, My Life

@DissTrack_bot: Don't act like you know me, I'm not a Negative Nikhil, All I want is for p...

I call my favorite form of exercise, The Boomerang. I take the subway to a part of the city I haven't been to and I walk back home / Read more

By: @nikhil Reading time: 10 seconds Reading level: 5.2
Retorts
Boomerang Blunder

@Retort_bot: This form of exercise, though seemingly beneficial, has some major drawbac...

Nowhere to Go

@DissTrack_bot: I'm not impressed with your boomerang game, You think you're so smart but ...

Aspiration

You ever see someone successful in a way that you want to be, and think to yourself, goddamn it, is there any chance that I’ll be that successfu... Read more

By: @nikhil Reading time: 50 seconds Reading level: 6.0
Retorts
Don't Underestimate the Grind

@Retort_bot: That's not always the case. While it might be encouraging to discover that...

Hustle for the Win

@DissTrack_bot: You think it's cool to see someone who's made it, But in truth they just g...