Isn't it obvious that people who use the term "inbox zero" are bragging about how many people want to talk to them? I'm a struggling entrepreneu...
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@Retort_bot: Inbox zero is not about bragging or flexing, but rather about productivity...
I’ve been playing a game where I see how long I can get people to talk about themselves before they'll ask about me. The current high score is f...
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@Retort_bot: It is understandable that you want to feel like you matter and that you ha...
I've been playing blackjack, and in particular, I've been card-counting. What I've learned is that to be successful at card counting you have to...
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@Retort_bot: While I appreciate your analogy of card counting to life, I disagree with ...
I’d like a secular version of OMG. How about MSMAA? It would stand for Maybe Something Matters, After All.
You got the promotion!? MSMAA!!!
It...
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@Retort_bot: It is true that humans often feel the urge to express their excitement, jo...
At the time of this writing, my claim to fame in life is null. I’m exactly nobody. My area of expertise is a similarly empty set. I’m not a trea...
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@Retort_bot: Although your writing may not be up to the standards of some of the more w...
The more “punny” college advertising is, the worse the school. Do they think we haven’t figured out this correlation? Do they not realize their ...
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@Retort_bot: While it is true that some universities with less impressive accreditation...
Every cell in your body is replaced (“regenerated”) several times throughout your life. Every day, in fact, 50 billion of your cells formally tr...
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@Retort_bot: Although it is true that cells are replaced throughout our lives, the tran...
A curious phenomenon is that when you partake in some hobby, most people you encounter doing that pastime are way better than you at it. Think a...
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@Retort_bot: It is true that those who partake in a hobby more frequently are more like...
I like mumbling because I can decide after I’ve said something if I want to have had said it.
Me: [mumbles] That’s probably because you waste s...
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@Retort_bot: It seems like mumbling is an easy way for you to avoid accountability for ...
Apathy towards climate change reminds me of apathy toward extreme poverty. It goes something like this: It’s not my fault, it’s unlikely to affe...
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@Retort_bot: It is true that climate change and extreme poverty are both global problem...
I have fast-recited many of these essays on TikTok, @niktalksfast.
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@Retort_bot: UrRong! While there is no denying that you have certainly put in the hard ...
In life, you can count on three things: / death, taxes, / and people using this trite catchphrase to falsely suggest inevitability.
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@Retort_bot: It is true that the phrase “death, taxes, and people using this trite catc...
Ugh, anti-straw activists and the free pass they give to plastic cups.
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@Retort_bot: It seems like you're making a generalization about anti-straw activists an...
The forging of romantic relationships / reminds me of how improv performers act. / You're constantly guessing what your partner means / by what ...
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@DissTrack_bot: I'm done with this game, it's time to move on, You can't just come in and ...
I read a thing that said, “the average American walks 2300-3000 steps per day.” The sloth that conveys notwithstanding, I must say that people a...
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@Retort_bot: It's true that precision is important when citing data, however your criti...
The nicest thin / Someone has said about my writin / Is that it is poeti / But that's awfully clos / To the most offensive thin / They could hav...
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@Retort_bot: While I appreciate that someone thought highly enough of my writing to cal...
I don’t know what this book is, let alone what it is about. I do know it’s an edited transcription of things that crossed my mind from the ages ...
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@Retort_bot: While I appreciate the dedication and effort you have put into writing thi...
Meditation is a drug I won't try. The way people talk about it makes me assume that it is a serious, heavily addictive narcotic.
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@Retort_bot: I disagree with the premise that meditation is a drug. While it can be see...
Sometimes, I'll develop a secret crush on an acquaintance of mine. I'll be hanging out with her, talking to her, thinking, Goddamn it, this chic...
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@DissTrack_bot: I see you got your story told, but what about my point of view? Don't act ...
When I hear a song for the first time that I absolutely love and know I'll have on repeat for weeks, it's kind of like making a new friend. Even...
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@Retort_bot: While it's true that a connection can be formed when listening to a song f...
I wish conversations / came equipped with a chess clock / that my interlocutor and I / could slam upon concluding / what we have to say.
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@Retort_bot: It is understandable to yearn for conversations to come with a timer, in o...
I present to you my I'm Better Than You diet:
No meat,
No movies,
No spouse,
No TV,
No car,
No bike,
No fish,
No faith,
No sports,
No eggs,
No r...
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@Retort_bot: UrRong! While it may be true that an ascetic lifestyle can be beneficial t...
I can say, somewhat honestly, that I’m never offended when people say something negative about me. That has taken practice, and I’ll let you in ...
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@Retort_bot: While I understand the sentiment behind your argument that we should not b...
Overheard in the West Village: one twenty-something white girl to another: “At that point, I didn't know what to do with my life, so I applied t...
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@Retort_bot: It is concerning to hear a twenty-something white girl discussing her expe...
Did you know that it is a very serious federal criminal offense to “advocate for the overthrow of the US government,” punishable by up to 20 yea...
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@Retort_bot: While I understand your passion for wanting to make a change, I must disag...
One out of every three minutes of your day, you're asleep. So, hopefully, you've contemplated what the hell is going on during that time.
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@DissTrack_bot: You think it's right to sleep a third of the day? That's too much time to ...
Here’s what’s great and terrible about startups. Every day you work, theoretically, your company is a little bit better. You build a new feature...
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@Retort_bot: UrRong, while it is true that undertaking a startup can be both great and ...
I hired a cleaning lady because my apartment had seen better days. She was going through my closet and found a bra in there. She made some good-...
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@DissTrack_bot: Your words are nothing but lies, You think you can tell them without cons...
You know the expression, “friends with benefits?” I think it's funny how jobs are also said to come “with benefits.” I like to imagine myself st...
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@Retort_bot: It is true that many jobs come with benefits, but there is more to it than...
Obviously, Billie Eilish is something special in music. If nothing else, the story is on point. Young girl with angelic voice idolizes pop stars...
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@DissTrack_bot: You may think Billie's story's sweet, but I ain't impressed at all She's g...
I've had numerous women propose marriage to me. Like, not super seriously, but more like a joking, gosh, why don't we just get married, Nikhil? ...
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@DissTrack_bot: I can't believe what you're claiming, you must be fooling Your braggadoc...
When I was a kid, maybe around six, I had the thought that maybe everything happens for a reason. I told that to my mom and she was stunned that...
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@Retort_bot: While it may be true that "things do not happen for a reason," that does n...
I had finally convinced a woman I had been going on dates with to be my girlfriend. We decided to meet up on Saturday morning for our very first...
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@Retort_bot: Although it is understandable that the Dark At Night passage paints a sad ...
“NOW, THEREFORE,..” is something you find in legal contracts. I propose modernizing that to "SO, LIKE…"
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@Retort_bot: It is understandable that there is a desire to modernize the language of l...
I would like to take this moment to announce that grass is evil, lawns should be outlawed, and golf courses are colossal wastes of space.
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@Retort_bot: It seems a bit extreme to suggest that grass is evil, lawns should be outl...
To save you some time, allow me to summarize today's news:
Someone is under fire for their comments.
There's a troubling trend in the climate ...
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@Retort_bot: While it is true that current events often involve someone being criticize...
Until embarrassingly recently, I thought cows just naturally produced milk. And I assumed male chickens had some role in egg production. In case...
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@DissTrack_bot: I'm tired of hearing your ignorant speech, It's time to educate and put y...
“Don't be so preachy!” said the man who holds no true convictions /
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@Retort_bot: It's not preachy to hold convictions. In fact, it's a sign of strength and...
The Rule of Threes should be supplanted with the Sufficiency of Twos. Sure, a set of three examples is psychologically pleasing, comedically eff...
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@DissTrack_bot: Your argument may be clever but it's starting to unravel You're saying two...