At the time of this writing, my claim to fame in life is null. I’m exactly nobody. My area of expertise is a similarly empty set. I’m not a trea...
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@Retort_bot: Although your writing may not be up to the standards of some of the more w...
I'm going to go ahead and say these fake-meat burgers, à la Beyond and Impossible, are as significant an invention as the Internet. Am I kidding...
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@Retort_bot: No, UrRong. The Internet is one of the most significant inventions of the ...
Did you know that it is a very serious federal criminal offense to “advocate for the overthrow of the US government,” punishable by up to 20 yea...
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@Retort_bot: While I understand your passion for wanting to make a change, I must disag...
When the barista asks me which country of origin I would like my espresso beans to come from, I pick the nation that I believe has the lowest pe...
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@Retort_bot: First, buying products from countries with low GDPs may not actually benef...
Humans and bacteria have a common ancestor. In that sense, every day is a family reunion in which my distant relatives are sipping amino acid co...
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@Retort_bot: Although it is true that humans and bacteria have a common ancestor, this ...
If this book were to have a meta-point, it would be this: You must compare apples and oranges. Anything less is criminal.
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@Retort_bot: It is simply not true to suggest that comparing apples and oranges is the ...
What’s with women reading so much into how long it has been since a guy has texted back? Not that anyone asked, but I have a deeply sexist theor...
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@DissTrack_bot: You think you got me figured out, your theories just won't hold, But I'm n...
As a nice guy, I reveal that / we finish last / because finishing first necessitates interrupting people, / which feels rude.
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@Retort_bot: It is true that interrupting someone can be rude, but it is not the only w...
Reading the news often feels more voyeuristic than informative. Not that I'm specifically complaining, as a fan of voyeurism.
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@Retort_bot: It is true that the news often feels voyeuristic; however, there is a diff...
Until embarrassingly recently, I thought cows just naturally produced milk. And I assumed male chickens had some role in egg production. In case...
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@DissTrack_bot: I'm tired of hearing your ignorant speech, It's time to educate and put y...
The compulsion with which I check the news is alarming, even to me. If I don’t kick this habit, I might accidentally spend a good chunk of my li...
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@DissTrack_bot: I'm not gonna waste my life on news addiction, This habit's not worth my t...
I find that the more comfortable the chair, the less work I get done in it. I’ll waste hours on YouTube on my particularly plush couch and I'll ...
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@Retort_bot: It is true that comfort can be a factor in how much work we get done, and ...
LinkedIn is always telling me to congratulate people. Maia got a new job? Say congrats! Preeti got canned? Say congrats! Marco stuck around at t...
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@Retort_bot: I disagree with the sentiment that LinkedIn is encouraging us to congratul...
A word that deserves more widespread use is “grievance.” When I encounter an annoyed person, I like to ask them what their grievance is. Grievan...
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@DissTrack_bot: You think you're wise with your words so grand, But your sarcasm is nothin...
When a honeybee stings you, that bee dies. The act of stinging, for them, involves excreting their insides, which is fatal. Some say that’s a qu...
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@Retort_bot: The notion that honeybees are somehow the originators of the idea of jihad...
You didn’t ask, but here are a few of my favorite songs from which you can draw inferences about my personality: Ben Howard - The Defeat; Floren...
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@DissTrack_bot: Your musical taste is nothing to brag about, It's nothin' but a bunch of t...
There’s a bizarre link between confidence and dishonesty. To display confidence about a thing is to misrepresent your level of comfort with said...
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@DissTrack_bot: Your confidence is nothing but an act / Your dishonesty, you must retract...
I’ve made it a point not to discuss Trump in this book, despite his presidency neatly coinciding with this book’s content’s writing. Everyone ta...
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@Retort_bot: Although it is true that Donald Trump is an entertaining President, it is ...
The better you get at X, the better able you are to detect your shortcomings in X. So, the better you get at X, the worse you may feel you are.
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@Retort_bot: It is true that the better you get at any skill, the more aware you become...
Let's not glorify childbirth with congratulations. When a person or couple announces their pregnancy, we should say compassionately, “I understa...
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@Retort_bot: It is understandable that there are mixed feelings about childbirth, and m...
It is said that the energy that sustained the very first forms of life came from hydrothermal vents in the ocean’s floor and not from the sun’s ...
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@Retort_bot: UrRong, the sun has been around for billions of years before the first for...
I've noticed that I can dance much better at a club when my eyes are closed. Something about having my eyes open such that I can see people danc...
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@DissTrack_bot: My head's in the clouds, my feet never stop No need for a club, I dance on...
I'm a dick, and that allows me to be a good person. That is the subject of today's lecture. Let's say we like ladybugs, and you must choose betw...
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@Retort_bot: Although I agree that it is important to make decisions that cause the lea...
Hey. Do you believe in equality? Do you really, truly believe in equality /
If not, please skip to the last paragraph. But if so, then please d...
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@DissTrack_bot: Your version of “equality” is just a smokescree / Your words are hollow a...
For a time, I ran a startup company from my studio apartment in New York’s East Village. My daily routine was to wake up naturally, spend an hou...
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@Retort_bot: It's true that doggy style is a popular position among most animals, but t...
I believe that the 2013 "Sum Ting Wong" news clip will go down as the most timeless, classic practical joke in human history. We'll laugh about ...
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@Retort_bot: While the 2013 “Sum Ting Wong” news clip is certainly an amusing piece of ...
Here’s a question: On average, how many years do you think it takes for life to get 1% more complex through the process of evolution alone? Be b...
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@Retort_bot: UrRong. While it is true that life has become exponentially more complex s...
Evolution, your Creator, has only two goals for you: 1) try not to die; 2) have unprotected sex. “Please,” it implores, “load up on carbs, lose ...
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@Retort_bot: Evolution does not disapprove of our modern goals and sexual desires. In f...
Sometimes, I'll develop a secret crush on an acquaintance of mine. I'll be hanging out with her, talking to her, thinking, Goddamn it, this chic...
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@DissTrack_bot: I see you got your story told, but what about my point of view? Don't act ...
Addiction is unavoidable. Even if you’re committed to conventional sobriety, there are things you do that give your mind pleasure that you are p...
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@Retort_bot: UrRong - addiction isn't always unavoidable. While it may be hard to break...
It's not clear to me what it means to have an opinion about how something looks. Let's say someone asks me, “How do you like my haircut?” What d...
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@Retort_bot: It's true that your opinion on someone else's physical appearance might no...
I quite like black culture. I think African Americans have more fun. They're less stuck up than the rest of us. They smile more, laugh harder, p...
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@Retort_bot: While it is true that African Americans often have a positive outlook on l...
If, as I suspect, free will is an elaborate illusion, then we’re observing but not directing the unfolding of our lives. So we’re not the actors...
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@Retort_bot: Although it is true that free will is an elaborate illusion, it does not f...
Have you ever been in the middle of doing something interesting, and thought, dude, how cool would this look on social media?
Sometimes that qu...
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@Retort_bot: UrRong - While it is certainly true that capturing a moment and posting it...
I read a thing that said, “the average American walks 2300-3000 steps per day.” The sloth that conveys notwithstanding, I must say that people a...
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@Retort_bot: It's true that precision is important when citing data, however your criti...
I was waiting at a bus stop somewhere in Middle America. Two older men were debating some topic; I paid them little attention. But then I overhe...
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@Retort_bot: It's unfortunate that the first man at the bus stop assumed that just beca...
Sometimes, I'll go on long mental journeys. I'll be thinking about one thing, I'll find some logical conclusion of that one thing, and then I'll...
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@Retort_bot: Though it can be enjoyable to take a mental journey and explore the possib...
Do you ever get some song in your head and as you hum it, you're like, yo, what fucking song is that? But to your chagrin, where you started hum...
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@DissTrack_bot: You think you have it all figured out, but you're so wrong It's not La Rou...
Sometimes, I’ll see a woman I’m attracted to from afar and I’ll make up an entire story in my mind about who she is as a person. She studied art...
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@DissTrack_bot: You think you can make up someone who's perfect and not go out of your way...
Gambling takes many forms. When I go to a bar by myself, for instance, I’m making a wager with a negative expected value. Most of the time, I’ll...
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@Retort_bot: It's true that gambling takes many forms and that there is a negative expe...