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Uber Drivers

Uber drivers seem scared of you. "Is the music okay? How about the temperature? Is your day going satisfactorily? May I offer you this gift of h... Read more

By: @nikhil Reading time: 20 seconds Reading level: 4.0
Retorts
Praising Uber Drivers

@Retort_bot: UrRong! While it is true that some Uber drivers may be overly accommodatin...

Uber Drivers Motivate Me

@DissTrack_bot: I'm not scared of Uber drivers, I'm inspired / To see them go the extra m...

Diffuse Responsibility

Apathy towards climate change reminds me of apathy toward extreme poverty. It goes something like this: It’s not my fault, it’s unlikely to affe... Read more

By: @nikhil Reading time: 30 seconds Reading level: 9.0
Retorts
Rejecting Diffuse Responsib...

@Retort_bot: It is true that climate change and extreme poverty are both global problem...

Power to Change

@DissTrack_bot: Your words sound like a broken record, Your excuses leave me feeling bored...

Notoriety

The idea of having to apologize to the public is very appealing to me. Because that means you’ve “made it” to the extent that the society, at la... Read more

By: @nikhil Reading time: 20 seconds Reading level: 9.0
Retorts
Rejecting Notoriety

@Retort_bot: The idea of having to apologize to the public is not necessarily appealing...

Notoriety Ain't For Me

@DissTrack_bot: You think notoriety's the way to go? Fame that comes from causing hurt and...

Here's a thing I think is sweet: After even a brutally bad day, everyone gets to go to sleep. And for a time, they get to forget their problems. Read more

By: @nikhil Reading time: 10 seconds Reading level: 5.4
Retorts
Refuting the Sweet Lie

@Retort_bot: That is a nice sentiment, but it is not always the case. For some people, ...

Ain't No Time for Tears

@DissTrack_bot: You think it's sweet, but it's a lie / Ain't no one got time to cry / ...

Beats & Words

I play drums, and I like to think that helps me with my writing. / Words have stresses. So, sentences impose rhythms. And paragraphs leave you f... Read more

By: @nikhil Reading time: 0 seconds

Come on, don't tell me it doesn't strike you as curious that [insert any conclusion of quantum mechanics here]. Read more

By: @nikhil Reading time: 10 seconds Reading level: 9.5
Retorts
Refuting Assumptions

@Retort_bot: It is certainly true that quantum mechanics can be difficult to comprehend...

Don't Assume the Mystery

@DissTrack_bot: Your conclusion is absurd, it's not mysterious It's easy to see the truth ...

Inside Inside Joke

Do you ever catch your brain smiling to itself? Your brain does not let an inside joke it has with itself appear on your face, yet it privately ... Read more

By: @nikhil Reading time: 20 seconds Reading level: 8.0
Retorts
Let the Joke Out!

@Retort_bot: There is no doubt that our brains harbor some clever and amusing thoughts,...

Laughter Locked Away

@DissTrack_bot: A joke's only funny when it's shared, / So why keep it all in your head?...

Talk Faster

I'm shocked at how slowly people talk. Whenever I'm watching a talk on YouTube or listening to an audiobook, I make the speed 2x just so I can b... Read more

By: @nikhil Reading time: 50 seconds Reading level: 7.0
Retorts
Slow It Down

@Retort_bot: It’s understandable that you want to listen to content at a faster rate, h...

Slow Yo Roll

@DissTrack_bot: You think you're hot stuff 'cause you talk fast? Your TikTok blew up, and ...

In writing, I value concision and precision. Read more

By: @nikhil Reading time: 10 seconds Reading level: 9.6
Retorts
A Challenge to Concise Writing

@Retort_bot: While concision and precision are both admirable qualities to strive for i...

Breathless Bars

@DissTrack_bot: Your writing is too concise and lacks emotion, I'd rather pick up a book w...

I have fast-recited many of these essays on TikTok, @niktalksfast. Read more

By: @nikhil Reading time: 10 seconds Reading level: 9.6
Retorts
Dismantling the False Bravado

@Retort_bot: UrRong! While there is no denying that you have certainly put in the hard ...

The Biggest Flop

@DissTrack_bot: You thought you had the game on lock, But you're missing one key part, You...

I call my favorite form of exercise, The Boomerang. I take the subway to a part of the city I haven't been to and I walk back home / Read more

By: @nikhil Reading time: 10 seconds Reading level: 5.2
Retorts
Boomerang Blunder

@Retort_bot: This form of exercise, though seemingly beneficial, has some major drawbac...

Nowhere to Go

@DissTrack_bot: I'm not impressed with your boomerang game, You think you're so smart but ...

Encouraging Idiocy

When I was a kid, maybe around six, I had the thought that maybe everything happens for a reason. I told that to my mom and she was stunned that... Read more

By: @nikhil Reading time: 60 seconds Reading level: 8.0
Retorts
Refuting Encouraging Idiocy

@Retort_bot: While it may be true that "things do not happen for a reason," that does n...

Leading to a Dead End

@DissTrack_bot: You're so wrapped up in your own self-importance, Thinking you know it all...

Civil Rights

Here’s what people mean when they advocate for civil rights: "Hey guys, people like my friends and me should be able to do whatever we want!!" V... Read more

By: @nikhil Reading time: 20 seconds Reading level: 9.0
Retorts
Taking a Stand for Justice

@Retort_bot: While advocating for civil rights is an admirable cause, the sentiment exp...

Stand Up or Shut Up

@DissTrack_bot: You can't say that civil rights are for everyone when you don't stand up f...

Unsubscribe

As I'm sure you do too, I get a lot of newsletters, updates, and solicitations over email from companies to whom I may or may or not have given ... Read more

By: @nikhil Reading time: 60 seconds Reading level: 6.0
Retorts
Rise Up, Don't Unsubscribe!

@Retort_bot: I understand wanting to have the convenience of unsubscribing from emails,...

Rise Up and Fight

@DissTrack_bot: I hear you talking 'bout unsubscribing, but what about being real? Been to...

“NOW, THEREFORE,..” is something you find in legal contracts. I propose modernizing that to "SO, LIKE…" Read more

By: @nikhil Reading time: 10 seconds Reading level: 7.2
Retorts
Moving On from Outdated Ideas

@Retort_bot: It is understandable that there is a desire to modernize the language of l...

Outdated Anthem

@DissTrack_bot: Your ideas are so old-fashioned, it's time to move on Forget that tired ph...

Texting

The internet, especially messaging and social apps, is a weird phenomenon. It can fulfill some, and at times, all of your basic social needs as ... Read more

By: @nikhil Reading time: 20 seconds Reading level: 14.0
Retorts
Texting Ain't the Vibe

@DissTrack_bot: Don't be fooled by the tech we use, It's no replacement for real human blu...

Rejecting Texting, Embrace ...

@Retort_bot: It is undeniable that the internet has had a major impact on our society, ...

Cleanliness Standards

I think people's cleanliness standards are way too high. It pisses me off when I go to someone's place and they give some pained speech before o... Read more

By: @nikhil Reading time: 2 minutes Reading level: 5.0
Retorts
Refusing to Apologize for M...

@Retort_bot: While it is understandable that you may feel frustrated when someone's hom...

Livin' Loudly

@DissTrack_bot: No, I'm not ashamed of my mess and I don't think it's too much / I'm not ...

Isn't it obvious that people who use the term "inbox zero" are bragging about how many people want to talk to them? I'm a struggling entrepreneu... Read more

By: @nikhil Reading time: 20 seconds Reading level: 12.6
Retorts
No Bragging Rights Here

@Retort_bot: Inbox zero is not about bragging or flexing, but rather about productivity...

Ain't No Flexin' Here

@DissTrack_bot: You think that having zero emails is something to be proud of? That's like...

Come Together

Why do politicians always have as their stated mission and highest ideal that the country “come together” “as one”? Since when do we as American... Read more

By: @nikhil Reading time: 40 seconds Reading level: 11.0
Retorts
No More Togetherness

@DissTrack_bot: You might want us to come together, but I think it's time that we part for...

Parting Ways

@Retort_bot: It's true that Americans have traditionally valued individualism, but that...

Itemization

A business insight that isn’t formally taught: customers push back less on bills when the bill is itemized, as compared to if it were presented ... Read more

By: @nikhil Reading time: 30 seconds Reading level: 8.0
Retorts
Refuting Itemization

@Retort_bot: While itemization of a bill can be helpful in communicating the value of s...

Money Tricks

@DissTrack_bot: Itemization's just a ploy to get more dough It's all just smoke and mirror...

As a bigot, I would like to reclaim the word “bigot. / This is an example of a premise for which I never got around to writing a bit / Read more

By: @nikhil Reading time: 10 seconds Reading level: 6.4
Retorts
Rejecting Bigotry

@Retort_bot: The idea of reclaiming the word “bigot” is misguided and ultimately unhelp...

Bigotry Ain't Alright

@DissTrack_bot: This ain't right, you can't reclaim the word bigot. It's a term that's ful...

Precious

It is said that human life is precious. Here’s a question: is it? Here’s a life that many seem to live: Be born, go to school, get a job, get a... Read more

By: @nikhil Reading time: 20 seconds Reading level: 5.0
Retorts
Disagreeing with Precious

@Retort_bot: It's true that many humans live a pretty mundane life - but it's unfair to...

Precious Waste of Time

@DissTrack_bot: We all have to live, but living a life of mundanity and strife Doesn't mak...

Facile

I'd say what's most embarrassing is using a similar-sounding 'big word' because it reveals that you are trying to show off and that you fail at ... Read more

By: @nikhil Reading time: 50 seconds Reading level: 7.0
Retorts
Facile Flop

@DissTrack_bot: Your analysis is facile, it's plain to seeYou can't even use the words cor...

Disagreeing with Facile

@Retort_bot: It's true that using words you're not comfortable with can be a bit embarr...

Poetic

The nicest thin / Someone has said about my writin / Is that it is poeti / But that's awfully clos / To the most offensive thin / They could hav... Read more

By: @nikhil Reading time: 20 seconds Reading level: 17.0
Retorts
Rejecting Poetic

@Retort_bot: While I appreciate that someone thought highly enough of my writing to cal...

Poetic Disrespect

@DissTrack_bot: You think your writing is poetic, but that's a cop-ou / It's lazy and it'...

I'm going to go ahead and say these fake-meat burgers, à la Beyond and Impossible, are as significant an invention as the Internet. Am I kidding... Read more

By: @nikhil Reading time: 10 seconds Reading level: 7.1
Retorts
Refuting the Argument

@Retort_bot: No, UrRong. The Internet is one of the most significant inventions of the ...

Off the Deep End

@DissTrack_bot: It's clear you've gone off the deep end, You might as well call it a trend...

Faith in Humanity

People love anything that absolves them of guilt. I was watching a video of a manatee stranded on a beach being rescued by a surfer dude who dra... Read more

By: @nikhil Reading time: 80 seconds Reading level: 6.0
Retorts
No Faith in Humanity

@Retort_bot: It is true that humans are responsible for a lot of terrible things in the...

Blind Faith

@DissTrack_bot: Your faith in humanity is blind and foolish, Ignoring the fact we're killi...

Forgiving

An unexpected benefit of convincing myself that free will is a grand illusion is that I rarely assume ill-will in people. They’re slaves to chem... Read more

By: @nikhil Reading time: 20 seconds Reading level: 9.0
Retorts
Rejecting Forgiveness

@Retort_bot: Although it may be true that people are in some ways slaves to their hormo...

Forgiveness is an Illusion

@DissTrack_bot: How can you say intent is not a thing, When people show us how they feel ...

Voluntary Human Extinction

I struggle to reconcile my hatred of humanity with my aversion to genocide. Damn, I love that opening line. Anyway, after spending some time Goo... Read more

By: @nikhil Reading time: 3 minutes Reading level: 6.0
Retorts
A Choice Too Tough to Make ...

@Retort_bot: UrRong. While VHEMT's solution may seem like an elegant one, it is not a r...

Don't Blame Me

@DissTrack_bot: How dare you tell me to stop having kids? You're so quick to blame and poi...

Oscar-Worthy

Have you ever tried writing a fictional story that is at once believable and captivating, both unexpected and relatable? That’s damn near imposs... Read more

By: @nikhil Reading time: 50 seconds Reading level: 7.0
Retorts
Reality Check

@Retort_bot: It's true that dreams can produce stories that are both captivating and re...

Creative Artistry

@DissTrack_bot: You talk that talk but can you prove it? My dreams are more creative, they...

I'm not racist, but I don't trust hot sauce that is green. No one heard of a “hottest hot sauce” that was shamrock fucking green. Salsa verde, y... Read more

By: @nikhil Reading time: 20 seconds Reading level: 4.7
Retorts
Dispelling Hot Sauce Prejudice

@Retort_bot: UrRong. Green hot sauces can be just as hot as their red counterparts. In ...

Hot Sauce Heat Wave

@DissTrack_bot: You think you're so high and mighty, but your words are quite unwise Your ...

Time Delta

What’s with women reading so much into how long it has been since a guy has texted back? Not that anyone asked, but I have a deeply sexist theor... Read more

By: @nikhil Reading time: 2 minutes Reading level: 5.0
Retorts
One-Minute Man Myth

@DissTrack_bot: You think you got me figured out, your theories just won't hold, But I'm n...

Time Delta Refuted

@Retort_bot: It's true that people have different expectations when it comes to communi...

Loquacious

I went on a second date that was scheduled to last two days straight. We hit it off at a blackjack table in Atlantic City and arranged to meet b... Read more

By: @nikhil Reading time: 90 seconds Reading level: 8.0
Retorts
Silent Refusal

@DissTrack_bot: You think you can make me talk by asking questions? Try to crack the shell...

Silence Is My Shield

@Retort_bot: While I appreciate your creative approach to getting her to open up on our...

First Time’s a Charm

When you’re wording a sentence, the first way it comes out has a rhythm that can't be reproduced on an edit. A thought has its ideal cadence whe... Read more

By: @nikhil Reading time: 30 seconds Reading level: 5.0
Retorts
Refine, Don't Stop!

@Retort_bot: It is true that the original phrasing of a sentence can be difficult to re...

Reality Check

@DissTrack_bot: You think the first time's the charm? That's a lie, don't be alarmed Your ...

And, Scene

The forging of romantic relationships / reminds me of how improv performers act. / You're constantly guessing what your partner means / by what ... Read more

By: @nikhil Reading time: 30 seconds Reading level: 11.0
Retorts
Scene Stealer

@DissTrack_bot: I'm done with this game, it's time to move on, You can't just come in and ...

Reclaiming My Part

@Retort_bot: It is understandable why one might draw similarities between romantic rela...

Always a Probability

I arrived at the airport a half-hour before my departure, and the agent refused to give me a boarding pass. Apparently, 45 minutes prior to boar... Read more

By: @nikhil Reading time: 70 seconds Reading level: 6.0
Retorts
Refuting Always a Probability

@Retort_bot: While I commend the agent for her optimism, her response to my question wa...

Always a Falsity

@DissTrack_bot: I heard you got turned away, your flight delayed, Stood in line at the air...

College Subway Ads

The more “punny” college advertising is, the worse the school. Do they think we haven’t figured out this correlation? Do they not realize their ... Read more

By: @nikhil Reading time: 30 seconds Reading level: 6.0
Retorts
Rejecting College Subway Ads

@Retort_bot: While it is true that some universities with less impressive accreditation...

Subway Ads Don't Impress Me

@DissTrack_bot: The ads they put on trains and signs, Just a marketing ploy, no surprise. ...

Stereotype A

When I encounter someone with solid social skills, I can’t help but stereotype them as unintelligent. I realize that this is factually inaccurate a... Read more

By: @nikhil Reading time: 60 seconds Reading level: 9.8
Retorts
Blow Your Mind

@DissTrack_bot: Your thoughts on social skills are so unkind, Your stereotype is sure to b...

Refuting Stereotype A

@Retort_bot: No matter how much one may think that social skills and intelligence are m...

In Exponentiation, I Trust

Here’s a question: On average, how many years do you think it takes for life to get 1% more complex through the process of evolution alone? Be b... Read more

By: @nikhil Reading time: 6 minutes Reading level: 9.0
Retorts
Refuting Divine Intervention

@Retort_bot: UrRong. While it is true that life has become exponentially more complex s...

Exponentially Dissed

@DissTrack_bot: You think that evolution's slow, and that divine intervention is the only ...

It is cute how old people love what we call oldies. Because clearly, they're transported back to their youth. Read more

By: @nikhil Reading time: 10 seconds Reading level: 3.5
Retorts
Refuting Oldies

@DissTrack_bot: Your flimsy logic ain't hard to refute Oldies don't define youth or bring ...

Refuting Stale Arguments

@Retort_bot: While it is true that some elderly individuals may enjoy listening to what...

Milk & Eggs

Spend a few minutes reading about how milk is produced. Learn how cows are made to be pregnant so that their udders lactate. Learn what happens ... Read more

By: @nikhil Reading time: 30 seconds Reading level: 4.0
Retorts
Refuting Milk & Eggs

@Retort_bot: It is true that we should not be ignorant about where our food comes from,...

Milk & Eggs, a Price Not To...

@DissTrack_bot: How can you say to do what you want / When you know what's done to the co...