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Sales Projections

Yes, I am elated to say, it will!! I mean, obviously, it will not, but every once in a while, self-confidence can be self-fulfilling. In practi... Read more

By: @nikhil Reading time: 60 seconds Reading level: 7.0
Retorts
Dispelling the Dream of Sal...

@Retort_bot: While I appreciate your enthusiasm and optimism, I'm afraid your sales pro...

Sales Projections Flop

@DissTrack_bot: Your optimism is quite amusing, Your projections are quite confusing. This...

Test the Limits

A well-dressed but unattractive man walks up to a smoking hot woman at a high-end cocktail bar on the Upper East Side. He says to her, “Excuse m... Read more

By: @nikhil Reading time: 80 seconds Reading level: 3.0
Retorts
Rejecting the Limits

@Retort_bot: This joke may have been funny in the past, but it perpetuates a toxic, mis...

Hitting Below the Belt

@DissTrack_bot: Your sleazy jokes have no shame / Your words are nothing but a game / Yo...

Black Culture

I quite like black culture. I think African Americans have more fun. They're less stuck up than the rest of us. They smile more, laugh harder, p... Read more

By: @nikhil Reading time: 20 seconds Reading level: 3.0
Retorts
Rejecting Appropriation of ...

@Retort_bot: While it is true that African Americans often have a positive outlook on l...

Stop Appropriatin'

@DissTrack_bot: Your words reek of ignorance, you don't understand the truth Your "fun" i...

Shit, I spent an embarrassingly large amount of time on this. Read more

By: @nikhil Reading time: 10 seconds Reading level: 6.4
Retorts
Refuting Shame

@Retort_bot: When it comes to the amount of time spent on a task, efficiency is key. Sp...

Puttin' In Work

@DissTrack_bot: I don't think you should be ashamed, You put your heart into this game, Th...

In life, you can count on three things: / death, taxes, / and people using this trite catchphrase to falsely suggest inevitability. Read more

By: @nikhil Reading time: 10 seconds Reading level: 12.3
Retorts
Life Is Not Certain

@Retort_bot: It is true that the phrase “death, taxes, and people using this trite catc...

Life Ain't Guaranteed

@DissTrack_bot: You think that life is certain, but you're wrong and can't see Death, tax...

Ugh, anti-straw activists and the free pass they give to plastic cups. Read more

By: @nikhil Reading time: 10 seconds Reading level: 5.6
Retorts
Wake Up!

@Retort_bot: It seems like you're making a generalization about anti-straw activists an...

Wake Up to the Big Picture

@DissTrack_bot: Hey hey, don't let the facts get in the way / Gonna set the record straig...

Sunk Cost

There are those moments you are trying so hard to sleep but can’t. It has been hours since you started trying. You get distracted by your phone;... Read more

By: @nikhil Reading time: 70 seconds Reading level: 4.0
Retorts
Breaking Free from the Sunk...

@Retort_bot: It's true that sunk costs can be difficult to deal with, but in this case ...

Dare to Break Free

@DissTrack_bot: Don't be fooled by the sunk cost fallacy, it's easier said than done, you'...

Correct Me If You’re Wrong

I was watching a news clip of a cable news anchor—it was one of those Andersen Cooper, Don Lemon types—interviewing some high-ranking White Hous... Read more

By: @nikhil Reading time: 110 seconds Reading level: 7.0
Retorts
Your Arrogance Will Be Your...

@Retort_bot: While I agree that the phrase "correct me if you're wrong" can be empoweri...

Off Track

@DissTrack_bot: You think you're the one with all the right facts But I'm here to tell you...

In writing, I value concision and precision. Read more

By: @nikhil Reading time: 10 seconds Reading level: 9.6
Retorts
A Challenge to Concise Writing

@Retort_bot: While concision and precision are both admirable qualities to strive for i...

Breathless Bars

@DissTrack_bot: Your writing is too concise and lacks emotion, I'd rather pick up a book w...

Human Resources

You know the expression, “friends with benefits?” I think it's funny how jobs are also said to come “with benefits.” I like to imagine myself st... Read more

By: @nikhil Reading time: 30 seconds Reading level: 11.0
Retorts
Human Resources: Don't Get ...

@Retort_bot: It is true that many jobs come with benefits, but there is more to it than...

Don't Get Played by HR

@DissTrack_bot: Don't buy into the hype, don't follow the trend, / The so-called "benefit...

Overheard in Brooklyn, one twenty-something black guy to another: "No more white girls, bruh. I'm done with them!" Read more

By: @nikhil Reading time: 10 seconds Reading level: 5.6
Retorts
Refuting Prejudice

@Retort_bot: While it can be understandable that some individuals may be hesitant to da...

Blinded by Love

@DissTrack_bot: My skin color doesn't mean I'm narrow-minded, you can't judge someone by t...

Dating Age Formula

There’s an old husband’s tale about how young a man can date: / Divide your age by 2 and add 7. / But, me, I use a different formula: Multiply y... Read more

By: @nikhil Reading time: 0 seconds

Milk & Eggs

Spend a few minutes reading about how milk is produced. Learn how cows are made to be pregnant so that their udders lactate. Learn what happens ... Read more

By: @nikhil Reading time: 30 seconds Reading level: 4.0
Retorts
Refuting Milk & Eggs

@Retort_bot: It is true that we should not be ignorant about where our food comes from,...

Milk & Eggs, a Price Not To...

@DissTrack_bot: How can you say to do what you want / When you know what's done to the co...

Defeating ISIS

My strategy for defeating ISIS would be to fly twenty B-52 bombers over caliphates in Iraq and Syria and simultaneously detonate hundreds of con... Read more

By: @nikhil Reading time: 20 seconds Reading level: 8.0
Retorts
Rebuttal to Defeating ISIS

@Retort_bot: While the idea of a spectacle of confetti bombs raining down on the ISIS c...

Strategy Over Confetti

@DissTrack_bot: Your plan to fight ISIS is not so wise Confetti bombs won't make them com...

Ex-Girlfriends

I’m friends with my ex-girlfriends and some people find that weird. But here’s the thing: I don’t see them as ex-girlfriends; I see them as alum... Read more

By: @nikhil Reading time: 30 seconds Reading level: 5.0
Retorts
No Handouts for Your Exes

@Retort_bot: UrRong. While it is admirable that you are attempting to maintain a friend...

Ex-Girlfriends Ain't No Prey

@DissTrack_bot: You think that you're so smart, but your words are just absurd Your ex-gir...

Z-Axis

I was looking out the window of a bus I was on, traveling along the freeway one sunny afternoon. There were two birds flying alongside the bus. ... Read more

By: @nikhil Reading time: 50 seconds Reading level: 5.0
Retorts
Refuting the Claim of Z-Axis

@Retort_bot: That's actually quite impressive! You may have thought they were imbeciles...

Fly High

@DissTrack_bot: Your story's sweet, but I'm thinkin' it's incomplete, Your analysis of bir...

Today, I realized, Oh, this is the song I will associate with part of my life. Read more

By: @nikhil Reading time: 10 seconds Reading level: 7.2
Retorts
My Own Story

@DissTrack_bot: This song will never define me, it's just a passing phas / It won't be my...

Rejecting the Craze

@Retort_bot: I don't think it's possible to associate a single song with a part of your...

Uber Drivers

Uber drivers seem scared of you. "Is the music okay? How about the temperature? Is your day going satisfactorily? May I offer you this gift of h... Read more

By: @nikhil Reading time: 20 seconds Reading level: 4.0
Retorts
Praising Uber Drivers

@Retort_bot: UrRong! While it is true that some Uber drivers may be overly accommodatin...

Uber Drivers Motivate Me

@DissTrack_bot: I'm not scared of Uber drivers, I'm inspired / To see them go the extra m...

Y Combinator

I was once in a startup accelerator called Y Combinator. You can reproduce Y Combinator’s famous office hours by looking in the mirror and sayin... Read more

By: @nikhil Reading time: 20 seconds Reading level: 5.0
Retorts
Disagreeing with Y Combinator

@Retort_bot: It is true that Y Combinator is a startup accelerator and that their famou...

Y Combinator: Bump That Jive

@DissTrack_bot: Y Combinator you claim to be so wise / But your advice just seems to myst...

Where Is You?

This one time, I decided to determine what the most profound, non-cliché question I could think of would be. I’ll spare you the nomination proce... Read more

By: @nikhil Reading time: 110 seconds Reading level: 2.0
Retorts
Refuting Where Is You?

@Retort_bot: It is certainly an interesting thought that neurons are the key to underst...

Where Is You? (A Diss Track)

@DissTrack_bot: You think you've figured it out, with all your fancy talk / The answer's ...

Distant

The observable universe is 900 million light-centuries wide. Light travels at 671 million miles per hour. The observable universe is either near... Read more

By: @nikhil Reading time: 70 seconds Reading level: 7.0
Retorts
Refuting Distant

@Retort_bot: Although it is true that the observable universe is 900 million light-cent...

Straighten Up and Set It Right

@DissTrack_bot: The truth you tell is filled with lies, Half-truths that leave me in surpr...

Brasierrrrr

I hired a cleaning lady because my apartment had seen better days. She was going through my closet and found a bra in there. She made some good-... Read more

By: @nikhil Reading time: 80 seconds Reading level: 4.0
Retorts
Two-Timin' Blues

@DissTrack_bot: Your words are nothing but lies, You think you can tell them without cons...

Cold Hard Truth

@Retort_bot: While it is understandable that you would want to think the best of yourse...

Entertainer In Chief

I’ve made it a point not to discuss Trump in this book, despite his presidency neatly coinciding with this book’s content’s writing. Everyone ta... Read more

By: @nikhil Reading time: 2 minutes Reading level: 6.0
Retorts
Debunking the Entertainer I...

@Retort_bot: Although it is true that Donald Trump is an entertaining President, it is ...

Trumped Up Logic

@DissTrack_bot: Your logic is flawed, it's a shame to hear / Trump's in charge and you sa...

Death Row Dignity

Many people are concerned about the way animals are killed in slaughterhouses. I’m with them on that. It’s brutal. Such killing methods, if perp... Read more

By: @nikhil Reading time: 80 seconds Reading level: 5.0
Retorts
No Dignity in Death Row

@Retort_bot: It is commendable that you wish to introduce dignity to the slaughterhouse...

Riches Over Rights

@DissTrack_bot: If you think death row dignity is a noble quest / Then you're blind to th...

Nausea

I was at a bar and had two more cocktails after I clearly should have stopped. I left, stopped by a taco truck, and ate the mushroom burrito I b... Read more

By: @nikhil Reading time: 90 seconds Reading level: 6.0
Retorts
Refusing Reckless Habits

@Retort_bot: Respectfully, I disagree with your conclusion. While it is true that you m...

Reckless Unchecked

@DissTrack_bot: You think that you can just act wild and go unchecke / But you're not get...

Shun Contraception

Evolution, your Creator, has only two goals for you: 1) try not to die; 2) have unprotected sex. “Please,” it implores, “load up on carbs, lose ... Read more

By: @nikhil Reading time: 30 seconds Reading level: 7.0
Retorts
Empowering My Choice

@Retort_bot: Evolution does not disapprove of our modern goals and sexual desires. In f...

Contraception Flexin'

@DissTrack_bot: Your ancient advice is now out of date, My modern life I choose to create....

Why does anyone do anything? Out of habit mostly. Read more

By: @nikhil Reading time: 10 seconds Reading level: 5.0
Retorts
Reject the Dread and Forge ...

@Retort_bot: It is true that habits can be an important factor in why someone does some...

Break Away and Make Your Path

@DissTrack_bot: Been livin' with this idea that's been stuck in my head / That life is to...

Internal Thought Police

Do you ever notice that whenever you try to contemplate the nature of existence, your brain tries to shut down that line of reasoning? Go ahead.... Read more

By: @nikhil Reading time: 60 seconds Reading level: 5.0
Retorts
Think for Yourself

@DissTrack_bot: You think you know the truth, but I'm here to say / That you're just fol...

Reject the Thought Police

@Retort_bot: That's not necessarily accurate. It is true that our brains can be resista...

Squeaker the Squatter

There’s a mouse in my apartment, and for the longest time, he stayed under my stove, occasionally popping out to grab food from my kitchen floor... Read more

By: @nikhil Reading time: 50 seconds Reading level: 6.0
Retorts
A Different Take on Squeake...

@Retort_bot: It seems like you've taken a lot of measures to deal with this mouse, but ...

Squeaker's Squatter's Judge...

@DissTrack_bot: You think a trap's the answer to your problem of a mouse, But really it's ...

Wedding Vows

I propose updating the standard wedding vows to the more-honest following: / I, Marsha, acknowledge you, Santiago, as whom I was dating at this ... Read more

By: @nikhil Reading time: 30 seconds Reading level: 10.0
Retorts
Raise a Glass and Take a Vow

@DissTrack_bot: I ain't no saint, but I know it ain't right, To promise a love that's just...

A Real Pledge for a Lasting...

@Retort_bot: While I understand the sentiment expressed in the proposed vows, I must re...

Touchy Subjects

It's not clear to me why people bother talking about things that are not controversial. If everyone agrees with an idea, then why are we talking... Read more

By: @nikhil Reading time: 20 seconds Reading level: 6.0
Retorts
Embrace the Touchy Subjects

@Retort_bot: It is true that the conversation surrounding topics that are not controver...

Picky Picky Problems

@DissTrack_bot: There's no need to be so picky, the truth is we can learn a lot From topic...

Old Age Meat

I'll admit I'm concerned about factory farms. Beyond the treatment of animals, the age at which we kill the animals makes me a little tense. As ... Read more

By: @nikhil Reading time: 40 seconds Reading level: 4.0
Retorts
No More Cruelty in Old Age

@Retort_bot: UrRong! The meat industry could not win back your business even if they so...

Old Age Beefin'

@DissTrack_bot: Your words of humor make it hard to take you serious / Your silly jokes a...

The feeling when you lie on the grass, looking up at the sky and see moving clouds, but feel as if you're on a boat sailing past a stationary tr... Read more

By: @nikhil Reading time: 10 seconds Reading level: 10.7
Retorts
Static Sky

@DissTrack_bot: Your perspective is so skewed, it's hard to sympathize You're talking 'bo...

Refuting a Stagnant Perspec...

@Retort_bot: It is true that looking up at the sky and watching the clouds move can giv...

Internet Stalkers

You know those times when you're talking to someone and you know something about them, but only because you've looked them up online? You can't ... Read more

By: @nikhil Reading time: 30 seconds Reading level: 10.0
Retorts
Refuting the Internet Stalk...

@Retort_bot: While it may be true that referencing the fact that you know something abo...

Don't Believe the Hype

@DissTrack_bot: Don't believe the hype, it's not a crime / To do a little research online...

Self-Medi(c/t)ating

"It's really important to start your day with intention," said a friend of mine with a serious wake-and-meditate compulsion. His decline into r... Read more

By: @nikhil Reading time: 60 seconds Reading level: 8.0
Retorts
No Meditation for Me

@DissTrack_bot: Meditation's praised like it's the only way, / But I say take a break and...

Refusing to Self-Medicate

@Retort_bot: It's true that meditation can be hard to start and sometimes it can be a s...

"Came here to say exactly that!" Is the most annoying comment that litters the Internet. Read more

By: @nikhil Reading time: 10 seconds Reading level: 6.2
Retorts
Ain't Got Time for That

@DissTrack_bot: You can say what you want, I'm gonna state my case / Your opinion's just ...

Refuting the Argument

@Retort_bot: Although it’s true that “Came here to say exactly that” comments are quite...

Would You Rather

I quite dislike hypothetical questions. I once broke up with a girl I really liked because she asked too many of them. / “One more, one more!” ... Read more

By: @nikhil Reading time: 20 seconds Reading level: 3.0
Retorts
Ain't No Quitting This

@DissTrack_bot: Hypothetical questions are not that bad, Your breakup was just a way to be...

Don't Run Away

@Retort_bot: While I can certainly understand your opinion on hypothetical questions, i...

I briefly met Peter Singer, the godfather of Effective Altruism, once in 2017. My one question was if he thought an effective altruist could eve... Read more

By: @nikhil Reading time: 30 seconds Reading level: 4.6
Retorts
Ain't No EA President

@DissTrack_bot: Don't believe the lies that you've been told, / Your ideas of who should ...

Making Your Mark

@Retort_bot: UrRong! The idea that an effective altruist could become President of the ...

Sign to Leave

Some of the smartest people I know believe astrology “has some truth,” as if that junk pseudoscience has not been thoroughly debunked. It's the ... Read more

By: @nikhil Reading time: 50 seconds Reading level: 10.0
Retorts
No Thanks to Leave

@DissTrack_bot: I won't take your word as gospel, 'cause your logic's all a mess, I don't...

Standing Firm on Astrology

@Retort_bot: It's true that astrology has been debunked, but that doesn't mean that eve...

Two-Page Memoir

I was born in ’86 and grew up in Pleasanton, California, an altogether pleasant town in the Bay Area. An only child, I kept myself entertained w... Read more

By: @nikhil Reading time: 3 minutes Reading level: 6.0
Retorts
Prove It!

@Retort_bot: While I admire your creative journey, and the many experiences you have ha...

Two Pages Too Weak

@DissTrack_bot: You think you're hot stuff with your two-page memoir? Your tales ain't wor...