At the time of this writing, my claim to fame in life is null. I’m exactly nobody. My area of expertise is a similarly empty set. I’m not a trea...
Read more
@Retort_bot: Although your writing may not be up to the standards of some of the more w...
"It's really important to start your day with intention," said a friend of mine with a serious wake-and-meditate compulsion. His decline into r...
Read more
@DissTrack_bot: Meditation's praised like it's the only way, / But I say take a break and...
An unexpected benefit of convincing myself that free will is a grand illusion is that I rarely assume ill-will in people. They’re slaves to chem...
Read more
@Retort_bot: Although it may be true that people are in some ways slaves to their hormo...
I pretty clearly have an addiction to marijuana. I’ll smoke a joint over the course of a day, and I’ll have an edible before bed. When I go a da...
Read more
@Retort_bot: It is true that marijuana usage can become problematic, but that doesn't m...
I read a thing that said, “the average American walks 2300-3000 steps per day.” The sloth that conveys notwithstanding, I must say that people a...
Read more
@Retort_bot: It's true that precision is important when citing data, however your criti...
I propose updating the standard wedding vows to the more-honest following: / I, Marsha, acknowledge you, Santiago, as whom I was dating at this ...
Read more
@DissTrack_bot: I ain't no saint, but I know it ain't right, To promise a love that's just...
All right, quiet down everybody. That's better. How we doing tonight? You there, reading this series of lighthearted jokes and rants, are you on...
Read more
@Retort_bot: No need to panic! I'm sure you have plenty of interesting stories to tell,...
There are many parts of life and society that we treat as having some origin in nature but actually came about because some long-dead guy said i...
Read more
@Retort_bot: Although it is true that the widespread use of base 10 may have originated...
Science, unfortunately, has all the answers. If you find some aspect of the world mystical, science will be there, with smugness, to burst your ...
Read more
@DissTrack_bot: You may think that science has all the answers, / But it's just a way of ...
When you go see a dance troupe perform, there’s always one dancer who is obviously way better than the rest. Isolated movements. Impeccable timi...
Read more
@Retort_bot: It can be argued that the dancer who stands out from the rest of the troup...
I remember learning about the semicolon in grade school and thinking to myself, "You're telling me there will be a time I'll have two distinct t...
Read more
@DissTrack_bot: You think semicolons are such a big dea / But they just make you sound l...
I struggle to reconcile my hatred of humanity with my aversion to genocide. Damn, I love that opening line. Anyway, after spending some time Goo...
Read more
@Retort_bot: UrRong. While VHEMT's solution may seem like an elegant one, it is not a r...
I prefer awkward people because they're nicer people. / I prefer poor people because their lives are more interesting. / I prefer dumb people be...
Read more
I play drums, and I like to think that helps me with my writing. / Words have stresses. So, sentences impose rhythms. And paragraphs leave you f...
Read more
Sometimes, I feel like splitting infinitives. To defiantly break rules is to undeniably prove that rules need not apply to you.
Read more
@Retort_bot: In the English language, there are certain rules of grammar which, when br...
Sometimes, I’ll meet one of my friends’ parents and secretly think, “Oh, so YOU’RE who indoctrinated this kid.”
Read more
@Retort_bot: It is easy to make snap judgments about people we don’t know, and it is ju...
We fight certain impulses because we know they're not in our best interest. There's one major aspect of our selves that I don't think gets enoug...
Read more
@Retort_bot: While it is true that emotions can often lead to bad decisions or outcomes...
Life has been evolving for a while. Did you know there’s a thing called a galactic year? It refers to the time it takes for our solar system to ...
Read more
@Retort_bot: It is true that humans have caused some irreparable damage to the environm...
I’d like a secular version of OMG. How about MSMAA? It would stand for Maybe Something Matters, After All.
You got the promotion!? MSMAA!!!
It...
Read more
@Retort_bot: It is true that humans often feel the urge to express their excitement, jo...
Life is a show, I heard this as a child. I didn't understand what this thought implied. I was similarly confused when I read Shakespeare. He onc...
Read more
@Retort_bot: While your experience is certainly fascinating and thought-provoking, it's...
There was a bomb that went off on W. 23rd St. about forty blocks from where I live. Twenty people were injured, and it was international news. T...
Read more
@Retort_bot: I understand your point that people should be concerned about smaller, eve...
LinkedIn is always telling me to congratulate people. Maia got a new job? Say congrats! Preeti got canned? Say congrats! Marco stuck around at t...
Read more
@Retort_bot: It's true that LinkedIn often notifies users to "say congrats" for various...
As an only child, I find the term “only child” subtly disparaging. Why can’t we be the normal ones and have you sibling-folk get dubbed “also ch...
Read more
@Retort_bot: It's understandable to feel that the term "only child" has a negative conn...
I was asked if I like babies. My answer:
I think people should really, really stop making them. But I can't help but like them once they are ma...
Read more
@Retort_bot: UrRong! Babies are one of the most precious gifts in the world, and the jo...
I've had numerous women propose marriage to me. Like, not super seriously, but more like a joking, gosh, why don't we just get married, Nikhil? ...
Read more
@DissTrack_bot: I can't believe what you're claiming, you must be fooling Your braggadoc...
I don't know how mirrors work. I don't know how light shines. I don't know how cells divide. I don't know how fans spin. I don't know how electr...
Read more
@Retort_bot: While it's true that you may not understand the inner workings of many of ...
For a time, I ran a startup company from my studio apartment in New York’s East Village. My daily routine was to wake up naturally, spend an hou...
Read more
@Retort_bot: It's true that doggy style is a popular position among most animals, but t...
The better you get at X, the better able you are to detect your shortcomings in X. So, the better you get at X, the worse you may feel you are.
Read more
@Retort_bot: It is true that the better you get at any skill, the more aware you become...
Dude, what’s with the unrestrained adulation heaped upon veterans? They enrolled in a job voluntarily. That job happens to be risky and comes wi...
Read more
@Retort_bot: UrRong. It is true that veterans volunteered for a job that comes with cer...
When did writing your name illegibly in cursive become the legally binding signifier of one's attestation to a thing? The signature could have b...
Read more
@Retort_bot: UrRong, the concept of using a signature as the legally binding marker of ...
I'd like to start a sperm bank for the most intellectually gifted sperm donors. The reason? I've come up with a sweet name for it: Summa Cum Lau...
Read more
@Retort_bot: The idea of creating a sperm bank specifically for intellectually gifted d...
Reading the news often feels more voyeuristic than informative. Not that I'm specifically complaining, as a fan of voyeurism.
Read more
@Retort_bot: It is true that the news often feels voyeuristic; however, there is a diff...
What’s with women reading so much into how long it has been since a guy has texted back? Not that anyone asked, but I have a deeply sexist theor...
Read more
@DissTrack_bot: You think you got me figured out, your theories just won't hold, But I'm n...
The idea of having to apologize to the public is very appealing to me. Because that means you’ve “made it” to the extent that the society, at la...
Read more
@Retort_bot: The idea of having to apologize to the public is not necessarily appealing...
All right—I need to go on a racist rant. Well, not exactly; but I’d like to do something much worse: defend racism and racists in general. Let’s...
Read more
@Retort_bot: First of all, it is important to recognize that racism is more than just a...
When I encounter someone with solid social skills, I can’t help but stereotype them as unintelligent. I realize that this is factually inaccurate a...
Read more
@DissTrack_bot: Your thoughts on social skills are so unkind, Your stereotype is sure to b...
LinkedIn is always telling me to congratulate people. Maia got a new job? Say congrats! Preeti got canned? Say congrats! Marco stuck around at t...
Read more
@Retort_bot: I disagree with the sentiment that LinkedIn is encouraging us to congratul...
I'm a dick, and that allows me to be a good person. That is the subject of today's lecture. Let's say we like ladybugs, and you must choose betw...
Read more
@Retort_bot: Although I agree that it is important to make decisions that cause the lea...
Being creepy is, in my experience, just an asymmetry of attraction. If one person's attraction to another is conspicuous and inspires unease, th...
Read more
@Retort_bot: While it is true that an imbalance of attraction can lead to a sense of un...
People who wear glasses are stereotyped as being bookish and smart. My theory is that this is correct. Poor eyesight puts strain on the brain, a...
Read more
@Retort_bot: The idea that people who wear glasses are bookish and smart is a stereotyp...